French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and the 
United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors. 

No. 81. 



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BY 

JAMES HENRY DARNLEY 



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Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French & 



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that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws fa 

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do this play without first having obtained permission of fa 

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FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 

Price IS Cents each.— Bound Volumes $1.25. 



1 !•» 



VOL. I. 



M Virginias 
MEIngeftk, 
fif Union A. 
ft Th. ftsat 1 



r*»ie 

S Tke Laiy •' Lyens 

4 Rlahellea 
I Th. Wif. 

• Tke Heaeymeon 

I Tke Sckeel for Scandal 

• Meaty 

TOL. IL 

• Tke Stranger 
1* •raadfather Whitehead 
II JUekara III 
II Leve'e Baerlflce 
II Ths Oataester 
14 A Cart far the Heartach. 
II The Huachbaek 
II Boa Caeiar da Baaan 

TOL. III. 
IT Tka Paor Gentleman 
II Raml.t 
II Charles II 
14 Venlee Preserved 
•1 Plaarro 
H Tho Lara Chat* 
tl Otkalla 

14 Lsae ma Five Shillings 
VOL. IT. 
at 

tka Common* 
kiiu ranee 
iDav 
•I Tare Caatleman ef Verona 

10 Tka Jealous Wife 

II Tka Rivals 

11 Perfection 

.VOL. V. [Debts 
II A Naw Vf ay to Pay Old 
14 Laak Befere You Leap 
II Kiag John 
II Nerveus Man 
II Bam. a a«4 Pythias 
II Clandestias Marriage 
II William Tell 
41 Day after the Wedding 

VOL. VI. 
41 Speed the Plough 
41 Romeo and Juliet 
41 Feudal Times 
44 Cbarlaa the Twelfth 
41 Tka Bride 
41 Tke rallies ef a Night 
4T Iran Chest [Fair Lady 
41 Taint Heart Never Won 

TOL. VII. 
41 Read U Ruin 
II Macbeth 
II Tamper 
It Ivadne 
II Bertram 
|4 Tke Duenna 
II Much Ado About Nothing 
••The Critic 

VOL. Till. 
IT The Apostate 
II Twelfth Night 
II Brutus 
•0 Slinpsea A Ce 
II If erekaat ef Tenlce 
II Old HeeesfcYeung Hearts 
41 Meuntelaeers [riage 

14 Three Weeks after Mar- 

VOL. IX. 
•I Leva 
•I Ai You Like It 

IT Tke Elder Brother 
•I Werner 

If GUlppus 

Tl Town and Country 

Tl Riag Lear 

Tl Blue Devils 

VOL. X. 

tl Henry VIII 

T4 Married and Single 

f I Henry IV 

Tl Paul Pry 

17 Guy Mannering 

Tl Sweethearts and Wvres 

Tl Serious Family 

•I She Stoovis to Conquer 



VOL. XI. 
81 Julius Csesar 
19 Vicar of Wakefield 
IS Leap Year 

14 The Catspaw 

II The Passing Cloud 
II Drunkard 
•7 Rab Roy 

88 George Barnwell 
VOL. XII. 

89 Ingomar 

90 Sketches in India 

91 Two Friends 
91 Jane Shore 
II Corsican Brothers 
»4 Mind your own Business 
•5 Writing on the Wall 

II Heir at Law 
VOL. XIII. 

•7 Soldier's Daughter 

15 Douglas 

II Marco Spada 

III Nature's Nobleman 
101 Bardanapalus 
108 Civilisation 

103 The Robbers 

104 Katharine and Petruchlo 
VOL. XIV. 

105 Game of Love 
104 Midsummer Night's 
107 Ernestine [Dream 
101 Rag Picker of Paris 
101 Flying Dutchman 

III Hypocrite 
111 Therese 
118 La Tour de Neslt 

VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland As It a 

114 Sea of Ice 

III Seven Clerka 
111 Game of Life 
117 Forty Thieves 
111 Bryan Boroihme 

II Romance and Reality 



[Moscow 



181 The Tempest 
138 The Pilot 

123 Carpenter of Rouen 
114 King's Rival 
186 Little Treasure 

124 Dombey and Son 
127 Parents' and Guardians 
121 Jewess 

VOL. XVII. 
191 Camllle 
180 Married Life 
131 Wenlock of Wenlock 
148 Rose of Ettrlckvale 
183 David Copperfield 
134 Aline, or the Rose of 
131 Pauline [Killarney 

134 Jane Eyre 

VOL. XVIII. 

137 Night and Morning 

138 ^Ethiop 
129 Three Guardsmen 

146 Tom Cringle 

141 Henriette, the Forsaken 

142 Eustache Baudln 
43 Ernest Maltravers 

144 Bold Dragoons 

VOL. XIX. 

145 Dred, or the Dismal 

• [Swamp 
141 Last Days of Pompeii 

147 Esmeralda 
141 Peter Wilklng 
141 Ben the Boatswain 
140 Jonathan Bradford 
HI Retribution 
159 Mineral! 

VOL. XX. 

1 53 French Spy 

154 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 

155 Evil Genius 
154 Ben Bolt 

167 Sailor of Franca 

168 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actresa 

160 Wedding Day 



VOL. XXI. 
141 All's Fair in Love 
168 Hofer 

163 Self 

164 Cinderella 
146 Phantom 

166 Franklin 

167 The Gunmaker'of 

168 The Love of a Prince 
VOL. XXII. 

169 Son of the Night 

170 Rory O'More 

171 Golden Eagle 

172 Rienzi 
174 Broken Sword 
174 Rip Van Winkle 
'76 Isabel le 
174 Heart of Mid Lothian 

VOL. XXIII. 
177 Actress of Padua 
17* Floating Beacon 

179 Bride of Lammermoor 

180 Cataract of the Ganges 

181 Robber of the Rhine 

182 School of Reform 

183 Wandering Boys 

184 Mareppa 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New York 

186 Tho Victims 

187 Romance after Marriage 

188 Brigand 

189 Poor of New York 
119 Ambrose Gwinett 

191 Raymond and Agnes 

192 Gambler's Fate 
VOL. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 Massanl.llo 
196 Sixteen String Jack 

196 Youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 
98 Innkeeper of Abbeville 

199 Miller and his Men 
800 Aladdin 

VOL. XXVI. 
201 Adrienne the Actress 
209 Undine 
80S Jesse Brown 

204 Asmodeus 

205 Mormons 
204 Blanche of Brandywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 
VOL. XXVII. 

209 Americans In Paris 

210 Victorine 
11 Wizard of the War* 

219 Castle Spectre 

213 Horse-shoe Robinson 

214 Armand, Mrs. Mo watt 

215 Fashion, Mrs. Mowatt 

216 Glance at New York 
VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Inconstant 

218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 
919 Guide to the Stage 

220 Veteran 

221 Miller of New Jersey 

222 Dark Hour before Dawn 

223 Midsum'rNiglit'sDream 
[Laura Keene's Edition 

224 Art and Artifice 
VOL. XXIX. 

225 Poor Young Man 

226 Ossawattomie Brown 

227 Pope of Rome 

228 Oliver Twist 

229 Pauvrette 

230 Man in the Iron Mask 

231 Knight of Arra 

232 Moll Pitcher 
VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Susan 

234 Satan in Paris 

235 Rosina Meadows [ess 

236 West End, or Irish Heir- 

237 Six Degrees of Crime 

238 The Lady and the Devil 

239 Avenger, or Moor of Sici- 

240 Masks and Faces [ly 



VOL. XXXI. 

241 Merry Wives of Windsor 

242 Mary's Birthday 

243 Shandv Maguire 
'.'44 Wild Oats 
245 Michael Erie 
•;4S Idiot Witness 

247 Willow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 
VOL. XXXII. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 

250 Lucretia Borgia 

251 Surgeon of Paris ' 
262 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 

254 Momentous Question 

255 Love and Loyalty 

256 Robber's Wi'fe 
VOL. XXXIII. 

257 Dumb Girl of Genoa 

258 Wreck Ashore 

259 Clari 

260 Rural Felicity 

261 Wallace 

262 Madelaine 

263 The Fireman 
:>64 Grist to the Mill 

VOL. XXXIV. 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blake 

267 Steward 

268 Captain Kyd 

269 Nick of the Woods 

270 Marble Heart 

271 Second Love 

272 Dream at Sea 
VOL. XXXV. 

273 Breach of Promise 

274 Review 

275 Lady of the Lake 

276 Still Water Runs Deep 

277 The Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 
"" Last Man 

VOL. XXXVf. 

281 Belle's Stratagem 

282 Old and Young 

283 Raffaella 

284 Ruth Oakley 
235 British Slave 

286 A Life's Ransom 

287 Giralda 

288 Time Tries All 
VOL. XXXVII. 

289 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 

291 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

293 Neighbor Jaekwood 

294 Wonder 

295 Robert Emmet 

296 Green Bushes 
VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Flowers of the Forest 

298 A Bachelor of Arts 

299 The Midnight Banquet 

300 Husband of an Hour 

301 Love's Labor Lost 

302 Naiad Queen 

303 Caprice 

304 Cradle of Liberty 
VOL. XXXIX. 

305 The Lost Ship 

306 Country Squire 
Fraud and its Victims 

308 Putnam 

King and Deserter 

310 La Fiammina 

311 A Hard Struggle 

312 Gwinnette Vaughan 
VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot [Judge 

314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 

315 The Noble Heart 

316 Coriolanus 

317 The Winter's Tale 

318 Eveleen Wilson 

319 Ivanhoe 

320 Jonathan In England 



(French's Standard Drama Continued on J d page of Cover.) 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d Street, New York City. 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 



FACING THE MUSIC 



En ©rtginal ffarcicai Coined in Hbree Hcts 



JAMES HENRY DARNLEY 



Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

16 WEST 22D STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND, LONDON. 



-. 
[wo Copies tiecMved 

MAR 25 1905 

Q* ioyyngni tdtry 

^4 A. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 






CHARACTERS. 

Rev. John Smith — The Curate of St. Andrews. 
John Smith — The other Mr. Smith. 
Dick Desmond — The other Mr. Smith's guest. 
Colonel Duncan Smith — The other Mr. Smith's uncle. 
Sergeant Duffell — Attached to Vine St Police Station. 
Mabel — (fair) — The Curate's wife. 
Nora — (dark) — The other Mr. Smith's wife. 
Miss Fotheringay — (golden hair) — Of the Bijou Thea- 
tre. 
Mrs. Ponting — The other Mr. Smith's housekeeper. 

The action of the play takes place in " The other Mr. 
Smith's " Flat, No. 19, Mona Mansions, Kensington. 



Period: — Present day. Autumn. 

Act I. Before breakfast. 10 o'clock. 
Act II. After breakfast. 10.40 o'clock. 



Same morn- 



ing. 



Act III. Before lunch. 11.30 o'clock. Same morn- 

The plot and complications are worked out in two 
hours, only ten minutes elapse between each act. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 



Copyrighted — Theatre Royal, Leicester, February 1st, 
1899. Afterwards played at the Prince of Wales' Thea- 
tre, Liverpool, on May 22nd, 1899, with the following 
cast: — 

The Rev. John Smith Mr. Frank Stayton. 

John Smith Mr. Frank Thornton. 

Dick Desmond Mr. Leslie Kenyon. 

Col. Duncan Smith Mr. Herbert Stanley. 

Sergeant Duffell Mr. Lionel Brough. 

Mabel Miss Nellie Thorne. 

Nora Miss Hope Dudley. 

Miss Fotheringay Miss Beatrice Mervyn. 

Mrs. Ponting Miss Bessie Major. 

COSTUMES. 

Rev. John Smith. Clerical suit and hat — all three 
Acts. 

John Smith. First — Evening dress, shirt-front very 
much crumpled — opera hat, silk scarf, long overcoat. 
Second — Morning suit — fashionable. Silk hat. 

Dick Desmond. First — Dark trousers and vest, fancy 
dressing jacket. Second — Dark suit. Blue serge for 
preference. 

Col. Duncan Smith. Smart frock coat suit, silk hat f 
iron-grey hair and moustache. Military bearing. 

Sergeant Duffell. Well dressed, looking like a coun- 
try squire, and in no way indicates by his dress that he 
is a detective. 

Mabel. Pretty morning dress — bright silk petticoat 
over an elaborate white petticoat — black silk stockings, 
patent shoes. 

Nora. Very smart travelling costume with fashion- 
able long travelling cloak. 

Miss Fotheringay. Very smart ivalking costume. 

Mrs. Ponting. Black dress, white cap and apron. (A 
comely woman of about 40.) 

The Hat discovered in Act II. should be stylish brown 
velvet with ostrich feathers. 

The Umbrella — Good one, with massive gold top. 
The Boa — A handsome feather one. 

N. B. In selecting dresses, Mabel and Nora must re- 
member that the time is late Autumn. 

N. B. All the knocks, rings, etc., must be done by the 
characters on door of flat and not by the prompter. 



PROPERTY PLOT. 

ACT I. 

Breakfast things. — 3 cups and saucers, 3 plates, butter 
\, milk jug, silver sugar basin, 6 knives, 6 forks, 3 
finger napkins, silver toast rack with toast, preserve 
dish with marmalade, basket of late autumn flowers. 

Pocket-book (good), visiting cards, bank notes (£200), 
small pamphlet (printed matter), six good vases, gold 
and silver coins, lady's dressing-bag, scent bottle inside 
(small), lady's visiting cards, two written letters, en- 
velopes, — " Daily Telegraph " on breakfast table, " Gra- 
phic", "Illustrated London News" (good), whiskey in 
decanter, soda in small bottle, silver salver, stylograph 
pen, lady's cabinet photo, four latch keys, note book for 
curate. 

ACT II. 

Large hat ivith feathers (lady's), gray feather boa. 
handsome umbrella (lady's), subscription list, gold and 
silver coins, pocket-book and bank notes (£200), sov- 
ereign purse (Colonel), pocket-book (Duffell); purse, 
telegraph forms (Mabel). 

ACT III. 

Policeman's whistle. 

GAS AND LIMES, ETC. 

ACT I. Lights full up all through Act. 
ACT II. Lights full up all through Act, 
ACT III. Lights full up all through Act. 

FURNITURE PLOT. 

The One Scene Stands the Three Acts. 

Handsome carpet, ottoman, rugs, fender and fire-irons, 
curtains at window, doors, etc., sideboard, overmantel, 
3 easy chairs, 6 ordinary chairs, 4 occasional tables, 1 
square breakfast table, 6 good pictures, umbrella and 
hat-stand for hall, hall mat. 

4 



FACING THE MUSIC. 



ACT I. 



Scene. — Breakfast-room in John Smith's flat at Ken- 
sington. Morning. A handsomely furnished room. 
Door of room leading into flat from hall C, open when 
Curtain rises. On table, handsome table cover, with 
white table-cloth over it. Large tray on table, covered 
with white tea cloth. Three breakfast cups and sau- 
cers and spoons. Three small plates and knives and 
forks. Sugar basin tvith sugar and tongs. Cruet. It 
is important that the table is set in this way,. in order 
that Mabel can clear it quickly, for her exit in 2nd 
Act. 

(Mrs. Ponting discovered seated and poking fire. Gong 
clock on mantelpiece strikes ten cs Curtain rises.) 

Mrs. P. Ten o'clock. No one ready for breakfast, tho 
cutlets done to a turn and spoiling for the want of eat- 
ing, (knocks at door doivn l.) Breakfast is quite 
ready, ma'am. 

Mabel, (off stage l.) Thank you, Mrs. Ponting. Has 
my husband returned home? 

Mrs. P. No, ma'am, he hasn't. 

Mabel, (off stage) Then I'll wait breakfast, Mrs. 
Ponting. 

Mrs. P. Very well, ma'am, (crossing to door up R.) 
Poor master! Poor Mr. Smitb! I wonder what's be- 
come of him? He's been keeping anything but respecta- 
ble hours, whilst his wife's been away, but I've never 
known him stop out all night before, (knocks at door 
up r.) Mr. Desmond! 

(Dick gives a loud yawn.) 

(knocks again) Mr. Desmond, it's past ten o'clock. Are 
you getting up, sir? 

5 



6 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Dick, (off stage) Yes, Mrs. Ponting. (yawning) 
Mr. Smith waiting breakfast? 

Mrs. P. No, sir, he's out. 

Dick. Out, Mrs. Ponting? (still yawning) 

Mbs. P. Yes, sir, and what's more he's been out all 
night. 

Dick. Out all night, Mrs. Ponting? (laughs and 
yawns. [Dick's laugh all through the play must be 
most hearty and irrepressible.'] It's lucky his wife's 
away! 

Mrs. P. But she isn't away, sir — she's at home! 

Dick. At home, Mrs. Ponting? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir, she arrived quite unexpectedly late 
last night. 

Dick. That's awkward, (laughs) 

Mrs. P. It's no laughing matter, sir; and so you'd say 
if you was a married man. 

Dick. But I'm not a married man, Mrs. Ponting — for- 
tunately. 

Mrs. P. (aside) Yes, fortunately for the lady who 
might have been his wife. He's what I call one of the 
" burn-the-cand!e-at-both-ends " young gentlemen; and 
even since he's been staying here, he's set master a very 
bad example. 

(Rev. S. knocks and rings off.) 

Here he is, perhaps. But master wouldn't knock, he'd 
open the door with his latchkey. Ah! He's met with 
an accident, (going up) and here's somebody coming 
with the melancholy news, (opens door of flat) 

(Enter Rev. Smith.) 

Rev. S. Is Mr. Smith within? 
Mrs. P. No, sir; he is without. 

Rev. S. How exceedingly unfortunate! I particular- 
ly wanted to see him! 

(Rev. S. enters room and goes down l. Mrs. P. shuts 
door and follows.) 

Mrs. P. (aside) So I should think, a-walking in like 
that, (aloud) Mrs. Smith's at home, sir. 

Rev. S. Thanks— but I do not want to see Mrs. Smith. 

Mrs. P. Well, sir, master being out you can't see 
him. 

Rev. S. That is a self-evident fact. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 7 

Mrs. P. But I'm expecting him home every minute. 

Rev. S. Then perhaps Id better call again a little 
later. Good morning, (goes up c.) 

Mrs. P. What name shall I say, sir? 

Rev. S. Oh, of course, how stupid of me! (coming 
down l. c.) Oh, there is my card, (takes card from 
case) I am the curate of St. Andrew's, (gives card, 
going l. puts hat on head of couch) 

Mrs. P. (reads) "The Rev. John Smith, 69 Mona 
Mansions, Kensington." 

Rev. S. I dwell on the uppermost storey! (putting 
right hand up) 

Mrs. P. Lor, sir, how funny! Only fancy, your name 
is identically, exactly, just the same as master's — Chris- 
tian name and all. (puts card on table) 

Rev. S. Quite so. Hence the mistake I made in open- 
ing this letter. It is addressed to Mr. John Smith, 19 
Mona Mansions. 

Mrs. P. Well, sir, this is number 19, and yours being 
G9, how did master's letter find its way to your flat, sir? 

Rev. S. Through the carelessness of the postman, or 
rather I should say the hall-porter, but I regret that I 
did not observe the absence cf the prefix denoting my 
calling. However, I will exercise more care in the 
future. 

Mrs. P. We are all liable to make mistakes, sir. 

Rev. S. Alas, yes; we are all prone to slip now and 
then. 

Mrs. P. Yes, it's a slippery world, sir, ain't it? (Bus. 
imitating tone of Rev. S.) 

Rev. S. But I fervently hope Mr. Smith will not be 
angry. 

Mrs. P. Oh no, sir; he'll quite understand. 

Rev. S. Perhaps I had better leave the letter; it may 
be important; and later, when I call a-again, I will offer 
him a personal explanation and my most abject apology. 
Can you oblige me with an envelope? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir. I'll get one from the study. 

(Exit R. i. e.) 

Rev. S. Thank you so much, (goes to l. of table r.) 

Dick, (off stage up r. yawning) How confoundedly 
sleepy I feel this morning. 

Rev. S. (sits l. of table R.) The voice of the slug- 
gard — dear me! 

Dick, (off stage— laughs) So Smith's been out all 
night! (laughs again) 

Rev. S. Eh? I sincerely hope Mr. Smith has not 
Slirpetl, 



8 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Dick, (off stage) Oh! damn the collar stud! 

Rev. S. (rises quickly, covering his ears with his 
hands) Oh, what awful language! But let me reflect. 
(returns to table, sits and produces note-book) What is 
the next thing I have to do this morning? Yes — I must 
send a telegram to Mabel, my dear wife. She should 
have returned from Scotland last night, but she did not 
do so. I am most distressed about her. 

(Mrs. Ponting enters e. I. e.) 

Mrs. P. The envelope, sir. 

Rev. S. I thank you. (takes envelope and places let- 
ter inside it) 

Mrs. P. Oh, how stupid of me; you'll want a pen, sir, 
went you? (going e.) 

Rev. S. No, thanks, I have my stylograph, (produces 
stylo pen from breast pocket) Pardon the question, but 
is your master, Mr. Smith, a zoologist? (addresses en- 
velope) 

Mrs. P. (aside) A zoo-li-ologist! (aloud) Lor, sir, 
whatever made you think that? 

Rev. S. A sentence in the letter I inadvertently 
opened: "Kangaroo arrived Newmarket, get two mon- 
keys on if possible." 

Mrs. P. (laughs) Master's a h'owner, sir. 

Rev. S. Of kangaroos and monkeys — I thought so. 
(hands letter to Mrs. P.) 

Mrs. P. No, no, sir — race-horses, sir. 

Rev. S. Race-horses! Oh, how shocking! (rises and 
goes l., picking hat off couch) He has fallen very low 
in my estimation, but I trust, my good woman — you are 
not contaminated? 

Mrs. P. Well, sir — I don't know about contaminated, 
but whenever I hears of anything good running, I gen- 
erally has a little bit on with the milkman. 

Rev. S. A little bit on with the milkman? What de- 
pravity! 

Mrs. P. You see, sir, his brother makes a book and — 

Rev. S. Madam, I beseech you the next time the milk- 
man calls, don't — don't have anything on! (crosses R. 
c) 

Mrs. P. Sir! Oh, I must, sir. I hadn't very much 
on when he called yesterday, sir, but Morny Cannon 
pulled it off, and I won 18 shillings. 

Rev. S. Sister, you are undone. 

Mrs. P. (Bus. with dress and turning round) Am 
I, sir — where? 

Rev. S. You are rushing blindly on to meet your 
fate. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 9 

Mrs. P. Oh, I met him years ago, sir — but the in- 
fluenza carried him off. Ah! (sighs) — lie wasn't a bad 
sort, was my poor old Mat. 

Rev. S. I am not alluding to your poor old Mat, sister. 
I refer to another fate, the one that is in store for you. 

Mrs. P. No, thank you, sir — one was quite sufficient. 
A widow I am, and a widow I intend to remain. 

Rev. S. Do not misunderstand me. I am endeavoring 
to point out to you how wicked it is to indulge in the 
iniquitous pastime called Racing. 

Mrs. P. (laughs) Begging your pardon, sir, and 
with all due respect — but it's no use your trying. I like 
a little flutter now and then, and a little flutter I must 
have. 

Rev. S. Woman, perdition stares you in the face! 

Mrs. P. Oh! how 'orrible! 

Rev. S. Pause, reflect ere it is too late. Save your- 
self, my dear sister, save yourself, (with l. arm up) 

Mrs. P. That's just what the master says — always 
save yourself. 

Rev. S. Ah, yes! And there is only one sure way to 
do it. 

Mrs. P. Of course, sir. Put half your money on to 
win, and the other half for one, two, three. 

Rev. S. (goes down r. and returns c.) Oh, sister, let 
me exhort you to peruse the pages of this little pamph- 
let! It is a work of my own — " The Evils of the Turf." 
Good morning. 

(Mrs. P. crosses to R. of table R.) 

(going to door c.) Think — think of the fate of the re- 
jected! 

Mrs. P. (crossing up r.) I know it, sir. Last, abso- 
lutely last, when the master backed it. 

Rev. S. Oh, what profanity! 

(Lifts his eyes end hands in horror and makes quick 
exit, closing door of flat.) 

Mrs. P. (laughing) I'm afraid I've besn and shocked 
the gentleman; but there, I couldn't help it. (looks at 
pamphlet) "The Evils of the Turf, by the Rev. John 
Smith." (places it on table at top end) Don't catch 
me reading the rubbish! (going toioards window) 

(Enter Dick. He goes to fire r. and tvarms his hands.) 

Dick, (entering) Good morning, Mrs. Ponting. 



16 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Mrs. P. Good morning, sir. (goes to window and ar- 
ranges curtains) 

Dick. So Mrs. Smith has returned home and Snuff s 
been out all night! There'll be a slight domestic breeze 
when he puts in an appearance. Poor old chap, he'll 
have to face the music presently, (sits r. of table R.) 

Mrs. P. (coming l. of table) Oh, sir, what did you 
do with the master last night? 

Dick. What did I do with him, Mrs, Ponting? Noth- 
ing. 

Mrs, P. Then where is he— what's become of him? 
Oh, sir! I've a feeling that something awful's happened 
to him; look what a dreadful night it was — the fog as 
thick as pea-soup as the saying is. 

Dick. It certainly was a beastly night, but J managed 
to get home all right. 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir — and precious late you was — I heard 
you fumbling about with the latchkey. Must have been 
close on three o'clock, sir. 

Dick. The fog, Mrs. Ponting, the fog! (rises and 
goes l. c) Mrs. Smith, you say, arrived home late last 
night? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir. (goes r. c.) 

Dick. A week sooner than Mr. Smith expects her? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir; and there she is in that room. 
(pointing to room l.) It was past twelve when she got 
here, and it took her over three hours to come in a 
cab from the station, that shews how thick the soup — I 
mean the fog, was, sir. 

Dick. Did she wait up for Mr. Smith? 

Mrs. P. She wanted to, sir, but as he's been com- 
ing home very late since Missus has been away, I ups 
and tells her Mr. Smith was away in the country and 
wouldn't be home till this morning. What with the fog 
down her throat and in her eyes, she was half asleep 
when she got here, and I knew sitting up and worrying 
wouldn't do her any good. 

Dick. And then she went to bed? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir. 

Dick. Very smart of you, Mrs. Ponting, very clever! 
But are you quite sure he didn't come home last night? 

Mrs. P. Quite, sir. He's been using the spare room 
during his wife's absence, but the bed ain't been slept 
in; it's just as I left it when I made it yesterday. 

Dick. It's very funny — can't understand it. How 
does Mrs. Smith look — all the better for her change, I 
hope? 

Mrs. P. I can't say, sir, seeing as how I never saw 
her before last night. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 11 

Dick. Of course not — she went to Dover some few 
days before you came here. 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir; but I must go and look after the 
cutlets, (going up to door c.) or they'll be burnt to a 
fe J r der. Oh, sir, I do hope the master won't be long. 

(Exit c.) 

Dick. So do I, I'm absolutely starving! (at corner 
of sofa l., looking at door l.) Now I wonder what 
Smiff's wife is like? Haven't had the pleasure of meet- 
ing her yet. Smiff says she is awfully jolly! Poor old 
fellow, where the deuce did he get to last night? By 
the way, before I meet the lady, (going to door up r.) 
think I'd better make myself a little more presentable. 

(Exit room r. Note: — He has on a dressing jacket, 
which he changes to coat for next entrance.) 

(Enter Mabel door l. just catching sight of Dick as he 
exits.) 

Mabel. Who is that? Oh yes, Mr. Desmond, my hus- 
band's guest. Mrs. Ponting told me he had a visitor; 
but how strange Johnnie never mentioned him in his 
letters, (picks up card off table r.) "The Rev. John 
Smith " — one of my husband's cards, (kissing it) You 
dear old darling, how I'm longing to see you. Now what 
shall I do until he returns? I know — I'll read his last 
letter once more, (sits on sofa l., reads) 

" 69 Mona Mansions, Kensington. 
" Dearest Mabel: — 

A few hurried lines to let you know that I am at Mona 
Mansions. I've taken this flat furnished until the end 
of the year. It is quite close to my church, which will 
be so convenient in the wet weather. Illness at my old 
rooms precipitated my departure, or I should not have 
moved until after your return from Scotland. However, 
I arrived here last night. I have succeeded in engaging 
a very worthy woman to act as our housekeeper, and 
now the only thing wanting to complete my happiness 
is your dear presence." 

And here I am. 

" Excuse this short letter, darling, as I've my sermon 
to prepare for Sunday. 

Your devoted husband, 

Johnnie. 

P. S. I've been to the Bank to-day to draw Aunt Be- 



12 FACING THE MUSIC. 

linda's legacy. It will be a little nest-egg for us, won't 
it, dearest? " 

(Rises, and looks round room and goes towards head 
of table k.) Then Johnnie has been living here in this 
flat just two days, and now I'll arrange the room. Oh, 
how severely formal everything looks, (at head of table 
R.) 

(Miss Fotheringay knocks and rings off.) 

(takes up pamphlet) " The Evils of the Turf, by the 
Rev. John Smith." Oh, what a horror he has of racing 
— but I think it is awfully good fun. Then, you see, I 
haven't a bishop to consider, (merry laugh) 

(Enter Mrs. Ponting, carrying a small salver, with card 
on it.) 

Mrs. P. A lady, ma'am. 

Mabel. A lady? 

Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am, she wants to see Mr. Smith. 
I told her he was out but you was in; then she says, 
" Give my card to Mrs. Smith." 

Mabel, (reading card) "Miss Flora Fotheringay, 
Bijou Theatre." Shew her in, Mrs. Ponting, please. 

Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am. 

Mabel. Now, why does Miss Fotheringay of the Bijou 
Theatre want to see my Johnnie? (crosses h. c.) 

Mrs. P. This way, please, Miss. 

(Enter Miss Fotheringay.) 

Miss F. Thanks. 

(Exit Mrs. Ponting.) 
(comes down r. c.) Good morning. Excuse my calling 
at this early hour, but I am most anxious to see Mr. 
Smith. Unfortunately he is out, your servant says. So 
sorry. 

Mabel. Is there anything I can do, madam? 

Miss F. Well — er — your husband was exceedingly 
good to me last night. 

Mabel. He is always good, madam. 

Miss F. Quite so, but on this occasion he was a little 
more so than usual perhaps. 

Mabel. Won't you sit down? (motions her to sit) 

Miss F. Thanks. You must know I was lost in the 
fog last night. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 13 

Mabel. Oh, wasn't it terrible? 

Miss F. It was indeed; when I left the Bijou, I 
jumped into a hansom and instructed the driver to drive 
to Charing Cross; but at the corner of Leicester Square, 
the man told me, much to my dismay, that in conse- 
quence of the thickness of the fog, it was quite impossi- 
ble to drive me any further. 

Mabel. The monster! 

Miss F. And, fearing that I should miss my train, I 
got out of the cab and proceeded to walk; but oh, what 
a hopeless task it was. The fog, which became denser 
every moment, was positively choking me, and I felt 
myself growing weaker and weaker, until at last, in an 
exhausted condition, I fell fainting into a gentleman's 
arms. 

Mabel. Yes, yes! 

Miss F. Well, he acted like a good Samaritan and 
insisted upon seeing me safely to the station, (rises 
and goes c.) We had not proceeded very far when two 
men rushed out of the fog, and we became the victims 
of a daring robbery. 

Mabel. Good gracious! 

Miss F. And almost before there was time to realize 
what had happened, they both made off in different di- 
rections, my protector following one, and I the other; 
for I noticed he held a pocket-book in his hand. I 
screamed loudly, " Help! Help! " and attempted to take 
it from him. 

Mabel. And did you succeed? 

Miss F. I did. Evidently fearing my cries would at- 
tract the police, the man released it and escaped. I then 
endeavoured to find the gentleman, but the thickness of 
the fog prevented my doing so, and I was left alone in 
the street with his pocket-book in my possession. After 
a time the fog lifted sufficiently to enable me to reach 
Charing Cross arid catch my train. Then it occurred to 
me that the contents of the pocket-book would afford 
some clue to its owner. I opened it, and found a card 
with his name and address upon it. Madam, that good 
Samaritan, that kind, and courteous gentleman, was your 
husband, Mr. Smith, (goes r.) 

Mabel. My husband? (rises) 

Miss F. Your husband, Mr. Smith, of Mona Mansions. 
So I resolved to call early this morning and restore his 
property, (hands pocket-book to Mabel.) 

Mabel, (startled) But — was my husband hurt? 

Miss F. Hurt — oh dear no! He repulsed the ruf- 
fians in a most determined manner, (goes down R.) 

Mabel. As a rule he is so meek and gentle and I— 



14 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Miss F. There certainly wasn't anything of the meek 
and gentle order about him last night, (laughs) but 
— surely you've seen him this morning? 

Mabel. Well, no, I haven't. He slept in the country 
last night and — er — But what time did you meet him in 
Leicester Square? 

Miss F. About eleven o'clock. 

Mabel, (aside) Eleven o'clock. 

Miss F. (aside) I hope I haven't got Mr. Smith into 
trouble, (goes r.) 

Mabel. Then he must have started for the country 
very late — but I must thank you in his name for your 
kindness in bringing his pocket-book. 

Miss F. Not at all. I am exceedingly glad I have 
been able to return the service he rendered me, but take 
great care of the pocket-book. It contains a roll of bank- 
notes, (cross l.) 

Mabel. A roll of bank-notes, (aside) Ah, yes, Aunt 
Belinda's legacy, (crosses r., aloud) I hope the thieves 
didn't rob you of anything, Miss Fotheringay? 

Miss F. I am sorry to say they did — a diamond 
broach, the horrid creatures. 

Mabel. Ah, perhaps my husband has succeeded in re- 
covering it. Won't you wait and see him? I am ex- 
pecting him every moment. 

Miss F. (looking at her watch) Unfortunately, I am 
due at the theatre at half-past ten. 

(Mabel rings dell on table r.) 

But I will call again a little later if I may. 

(Mrs. Ponting opens door, and outer door.) 

Mabel. Do. 

Miss F. Thanks, (going up to door c.) Then for the 
present, au revoir. 

Mabel. Au revoir, Miss Fotheringay. 

(Exit Miss F. Exit Mrs. Ponting.) 

Mabel, (crosses l. looking at pocket-book) "Take 
great care of it! " Of course I will. Won't my Johnnie 
be thankful to get it back again. 

(Exit l.) 
(Enter Dick from door r. c.) 

Dick. Not here yet! Oh, I say, Smiff, do hurry up; 



FACING THE MUSIC. 15 

I'm positively starving! (looks in hall, leaving room 
door open) Not a sign of him — where the dickens can 
he have got to? (goes to window) 

(Enter John Smith with latchkey at door of flat. He 
is in evening dress, with long light overcoat over it. 
Looks very pale and haggard. On hearing door slam, 
Dick turns at window and looks at him and comes 
behind door c. loatehing him. Smith goes to table,, 
looks at breakfast things, shudders and goes up to< 
door r. at back.) 

Smith. Dick! Dick! Dick, you lazy wretch!! 
(knocking at door up r.) 

Dick, (banging c. door of flat) Smiff! At last!' 
(crosses to seat l. of table r. and roars with laughter 
at Smith, singing " Oh! what a difference in the morn- 
ing.") 

Smith, (following him down r, c.) Stop that row,. 
Dick. Don't laugh, you idiot. 

Dick, (laughs again) You wreck! 

Smith. It's particularly damned funny, isn't it? 
Lend me half-a-crown. 

Dick. Lend you half-a-crown — certainly! (feels in 
pocket for coin) Haven't you got any money? 

Smith. Not a farthing! 

Dick. What, stony at this time of the morning? 
(hands coin) 

Smith, (goes to window, and opens it) Worse. I've 
not only lost my money, but I've lost my watch. Ive 
lost my chain, and, to cap it all, .I've lost my pocket- 
book containing over two hundred pounds. 

Dick. No! 

Smith. Yes. Here you are, cabby, (throios coin out 
of window — it is heard rattling on the pavement below) 
Butter-fingers! 

Cabby, (off stage) Look here, I say, Governor, it's; 
worth another bob, ain't it? 

Smith. It may be, but I'm not. Oh, Dick, lend me.' 
another shilling. . 

Dick. Another shilling, certainly, (gives coin) 

Smith. Thanks. He thinks. I want to buy the beast- 
ly horse and cab. Here you are, cabby, (throws coin 
out of window and shakes his fist at the Cabman) 

Cabby, (off stage) Thank yer, guv'nor, you are one 
of the right sort, you are. 

Smith. No, I'm not; I'm one of the wrong sort this 
morning. 



16 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Takes off hat and scarf and places them chair up l. c. 
Closes window. Goes to ottoman and takes off coat, 
placing it on ottoman.) 

Dick. And you look it. Smiff, you've been having 
a thick time of it. 

Smith. Thick is not the word — don't laugh! (sits 
on ottoman) 

Dick. Why didn't you come home last night — what 
kept you out? 

Smith. Fog. 

Dick. Where did you sleep? 

Smith. Club! 

Dick. And where did you lose your money? 

Smith. Leicester Square. 

Dick. Come, out with it, Smiff. What's amiss, (goes 
to Smith l.) 

Smith. What's amiss? It entirely depends who she 
is, what she is, and where you meet her. If it's in Lon- 
don, in a fog, and she's alone, leave her alone — because 
then a miss is decidedly dangerous. Hope you didn't 
wait breakfast. I had mine — last night. 

Dick. Why, of course I waited. 

Smith. Stupid of you — I can't eat. 

Dick. You are certainly locking a little off colour. 

Smith. Off. colour? I'm all over colour, every colour, 
of the rainbow from top to toe. (Bus.) Oh, the ruf- 
fians! (sits on couch) 

Dick. Smith, do you know your wife is here? 

Smith, (jumping up quickly) What! (recovering 
quickly, he laughs) You're joking — Dick, (laughs) 
Don't be so damned ridiculous. My wife's not due home 
for another week. 

Dick. She arrived late last night for all that! 

Smith. Ah, ah! Funny dog! (pushing him in the 
side) But I'm used to your little jokes! Ah! Ah! Nice 
fix I should be in if she were here, shouldn't I? Ah, ah! 

Dick. Well, if you don't believe me, ask Mrs. Pont- 
ing. 

Smith. Dick — do you mean it — are you really ser- 
ious? 

Dick. On my honour. 

Smith. Good heavens! Where is she? 

Dick. There! (points to room l.) 

(Smith goes to door l.) 

Stop, man, don't let her see you in evening dress at 
this time of day! 



FACING THE MUSIC. 17 

Smith. By Jove — no! (draws dress coat over his 
shirt front to hide it) 

Dick. Change at once. 

Smith. I will, (going up) But how am I to account 
for my absence from home all night? (coming down c. 
again) 

(Dick laughs.) 

Oh, if I could only invent a good, strong, honest, 
straightforward lie! 

Dick. That's all right, you needn't worry. Mrs. 
Ponting fixed that up! 

Smith. Mrs. Ponting? How? 

Dick. She told your wife you were away in the coun- 
try on business and might not be home until this morn- 
ing. 

Smith. She did? Good old Ponting. 

Dick. Don't forget that! 

Smith. I won't. Dick, Dick, I'll never assist a lady 
in distress again — never, never! 

Dick, (laughs, at foot of table R.) Oh, Smiff, your 
old weakness! 

Smith. Nothing of the kind, sir. Our meeting was 
quite accidental 

Dick. Yes, I know! at least I used to. (laughs) And 
where did you assist the lady in distress? 

Smith. Leicester Square! 

Dick. Leicester Square! (laughs) Oh, Smiff, Smiff! 

Smith. It was an act of kindness on my part, and 
I'll never do another kind act as long as I live. 

Dick. How could you have been so green, man? 
(laughs) 

Smith. How was I to know when she fell fainting 
in my arms that I should be victimized in the way I 
was? 

Dick. Oh, she fell fainting in your arms, did she? 
(laughs) That's an old trick. 

Smith. And I thought it was a genuine case. 

Dick. Moral — never assist lonely ladies in Leicester 
Square. 

Smith. Never again, .Dick, never! And now to 
change and meet my wife, (going) Oh, what a fool of 
a fool I feel this morning! 

Dick. Yes, and what a fool of a fool he looks. 

(Exit Smith.) 
Poor old Smiff! I'm sorry for him! Well, thank good- 



18 FACING THE MUSIC. 

ness, we are within measurable distance of breakfast 
at last, (sits l. of table and reads paper) 
(Enter Mrs. Ponting with large basket of flowers which 
she places on table l. These flowers should be pret- 
tily arranged in separate bunches, so that Mabel can 
place one in each vase later on.) 

Mrs. P. Aren't they lovely, sir? 

Dick. Beautiful, Mrs. Ponting. Ah, Mrs. Ponting, 
Mr. Smith has just returned. 

Mrs. P. Has he, sir? Then I'll tell missus at once, 
sir. (going to door l.) 

Dick. No, no. (going to her) We must give him 
time to change — you understand? 

Mrs. P. (knoioing smile) Oh yes, I understand, sir. 
I expect he looks a bit worn and tired like this morn- 
ing. 

Dick. He does, Mrs. Ponting. 

Mrs. P. But how's he going to explain to the missus, 
sir? 

Dick. Nothing simpler. He was called away into the 
country on business. 

Mrs. P. Oh, was he? (laughs) 

Dick. Your own words, Mrs. Ponting, your own 
words, you know. 

Mrs. P. Yes, I know, sir. Well, they may satisfy 
missus, but they wouldn't satisfy me, sir. However, it 
isn't my business, (going up c.) 

Dick. Remember, you don't know your master has 
arrived. 

Mrs. P. Very good, sir, I don't know nothing. 
(aside) Oh, these men, they're as artful as a cage of 
monkeys. 

(Exit c.) 

Dick, (sitting l. of table r. Taking up paper) " Par- 
liamentary News." No, thanks, not in my line. " Sport- 
ing Items " — ah, that is. By Jove, " Merry Mabel's " at 
20 to 1, and Smiff says there's nothing in the race to 
touch her. I must get a fiver on after breakfast, (he 
turns, facing door l, holding paper up so that Mabel 
does not see his face) 

(Enter Mabel with photo.) 

Mabel, (aside) There he is. (places photo in basket 
of flowers on table l., then creeps across to Dick and 
puts arms round him x newspaper and all) Johnnie { 



FACING THE MUSIC. 19 

(Bus. — Dick rises, she still holding him, the newspaper 
is between their faces; they both dodge on either side 
when Dick drops paper. Mabel screams.) 

I — oh — (draivs back confused) I beg your pardon — I — 
(confused) Good morning. 

Dick. Good morning, (bows, puts paper on corner of 
table) 

Mabel. For the moment — I — I thought you were my 
husband and I — I — (confused) I'm so sorry. 

Dick, (trying to put her at ease) I quite under- 
rtand, Mrs. Smith, and in his absence allow me to intro- 
duce myself. My name is Desmond, and I've been his 
guest for the last few days. 

Mabel. So good of you to come and keep him from 
being lonely, Mr. Desmond. Mrs. Ponting told me you 
were here, on mj^ arrival from Scotland last night, (at 
small table l. with floiuers, takes one bunch from bas- 
ket, and places it in vase on table) 

Dick, (aside) Scotland? I thought Smiff said his 
wife had been to Dover. My mistake, I suppose. 

Mabel. But you must be wanting your breakfast. So 
sorry to keep you waiting, (arranges flowers in vase on 
table l.) 

Dick. Don't mention it, Mrs. Smith. (aside) An 
awfully pretty woman — but I certainly understood 
Smith to say her hair was dark — another mistake of 
mine, evidently, besides, hair does change colour occa- 
sionally. 

Mabel. And how is my husband looking, Mr. Des- 
mond? (crosses to fireplace r. with basket of poivers 
and photo) 

Dick, Awfully well, Mrs, Smith, (crosses to l.) 

Mabel. I'm expecting him every moment. He slept 
in the country last night — but of course, you know. 
(goes to mantelpiece up r.) 

Dick. Yes, Mrs. Smith! 

Mabel. An important meeting, I presume. (puts 
photo on mantelpiece and arranges flowers in two vases) 

Dick. Yes; I believe there was a very important 
meeting, (l.) 

Mabel. The dear fellow; how hard he works! 

Dick. Very! He was awfully busy — last night. 

Mabel, Ah yes— he is always busy — always doing 
good. 

Dick, (aside) Very busy doing a little harm this 
time, I'm thinking. 

Mabel, But I fear he attends far too many meetings. 

Dick. Meetings? He rarely misses one. 



20 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Mabel. And I'm afraid he works too hard. 

Dick. Perhaps you are right, Mrs. Smith; but he has 
an excellent constitution. 

Mabel. Oh yes, but papa always said you cannot 
draw a bill on the Bank of Health without meeting it. 
(crosses to sideboard l. with basket of flowers) 

Dick. Words of wisdom, Mrs. Smith, words of wis- 
dom, (cross e.) 

Mabel, (at sideboard l. at back, filling c. vase with 
flowers) But I haven't told you the news, Mr. Desmond. 

Dick. News, Mrs. Smith? 

Mabel. He was the hero of a most exciting adventure 
last night in Leicester Square. 

Dick, (aside) Leicester Square! Now, how the deuce 
does she know that? 

Mabel. But he shall tell you all about it himself. 
And now I'll see that Mrs. Ponting prepares breakfast. 
Surely he cannot be very long now. Oh, how anxious 
I am to see him. (goes to door c.) This is the first 
time we have been parted since our marriage, nearly six 
months ago. 

(Exit c. During her scene she has arranged floivers in 
vase.) 

Dick. Six months ago! What, in the name of all 
that's wonderful, is she talking about! Why, Smiff's 
been married over four years. (takes her photo off 
mantelpiece) Her photograph! (reads) "Mabel" on 
the back of it! And I'll swear Smiff said his wife's 
name was Nora! That settles it; this woman is not his 
wife. Then who the devil is she? (crosses to front of 
sofa l.) 

(Enter Smith, having changed, goes R. c.) 

Smith. Dick, where's Nora, eh? (ties bote hur- 
riedly) 

Dick. Nora! I knew it! 

Smith. Where's my wife, Dick? 

Dick. Where's your wife? Ah, ah! I don't know — 
I don't know! 

Smith. You don't know? Confound it, man, what's 
the matter with you? What's amiss? 

Dick, (imitating Smith in first scene) It entirely 
depends who she is, what she is, and where you meet 
her! 

Smith. Oh, rats! 



FACING THE MUSIC. 21 

Dick. Smiff, what is the colour of your wife's hair? 

Smith. What are you talking about? Dark, of 
course. 

Dick. Dark, not golden — you are quite sure? 

Smith. Of course I am — at least it was dark when I 
last saw her. 

Dick. She's been away on a visit! Where did you 
say she went? 

Smith. Dover. 

Dick. Dover? 

Smith. Dover! Dover! Dover! 

Dick. Dover, not Scotland? 

Smith. Scotland be hanged! Of course not. But I'm 
not going to answer any more of your idiotic questions. 
I want to see my wife, (fioing — crosses l.) 

Dick. Ah, wait one moment. Is that her photograph? 
(holds it up) 

Smith. No, certainly not. (pushing him) 

Dick. Then Smiff, old fellow, I'm very, very sorry 
for you. Your WIFE is NOT your wife. I mean Mabel 
is not your wife. 

Smith. Dick, have you lost your head? 

Dick. I tell you, Smiff, Mabel is not your wife! 

Smith. Well, I know that. You've got Mabel on the 
brain! 

Dick. And you've got Mabel on the premises! 

Smith. I've got Mabel on the premises? 

Dick. Yes, man, yes, and she knows all about your 
adventure in Leicester Square last night. 

Smith. What! ! ! 

Dick, (tapping photo) Is that the lady you assisted 
in the fog? 

Smith. I don't know! I can't say! 

Dick. Surely you would be able to recognize her 
if you saw her again? 

Smith. That is exactly what I should fail to do. The 
whiskey — was thicker than the fog, and she wore a veil. 
All I could see was a lot of fluffy light hair, and after 
the robbery she disappeared. 

Dick. Yes, that's it, that's it! 

Smith. What do you mean by that's it! That's it! 
(imitating him) 

Dick. Oh, Smiff, Smiff, you're in for a lively time of 
it. (goes to r. of table r.) 

(Mabel opens door c carrying toast rack.) 

Mabel, (oft stage) Thank you, Mrs. Ponting, I'll 
take it in myself, don't you bother. 



22 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Smith, (rushing to curtains at window) That's not 
my wife's voice! 

(Mabel enters, placing toast rack on table.) 

(aside) And, great heavens! that's not my wife! ! ! 

Mabel. My husband not returned yet, Mr. Desmond? 

Dick. No, Mrs. Smith, your husband has not re- 
turned. 

Mabel. And I'm growing so anxious. 

Smith, (aside) So am I, so am I! 

Mabel, (going to door l.) If he is not here soon, I 
shall think something has happened to 1 him. My John- 
nie! 

(Exit l.) 

Smith, (coming down l.) Dick, you're right, that is 
not Nora! 

Dick. It's Mabel. 

Smith. What is she doing here in my wife's bed- 
room? 

Dick. That I can't say, but she certainly is here, 
very much here; and, what's more, she calls you her 
Johnnie! 

Smith. Blackmail! Dick, it must be the woman I 
assisted in the fog last night. She's got my name and 
address from the pocket-book, and, beyond the shadow of 
a doubt, I'm the victim of some diabolical conspiracy. 
Oh! 

Dick. What are you going to do? 

Smith. Do! Why get her away immediately. 

(Col. Smith knocks and rings.) 

Dick, (going up to door e. c.) Then I'll leave -you 
to interview her. 

Smith. No, no! (pulling Dick towards door r. i. e.) 
Come into my study and we'll decide on the best course 
to adopt. 

(Rushes off R.) 

Dick, (following him) Oh, Smiff, you must have 
met the lady, somewhere. 

(Exit R.) 

(Mabel enters door down l. and Mrs. Ponting enters 
door c. together quickly — shutting room door.) 



FACING TKH MUSIC. 23 

Mabel. Is that my husband, Mrs. Ponting? 
Mrs. P. No, ma'am, a gentleman asking for his 
nephew, Mr. Smith, (hands card) 

Mabel, (reads card) Colonel Duncan Smith! 
Mrs. P. Shall I show him in, ma'am? 
Mabel. Oh yes, Mrs. Ponting, at once. 

(Mrs. P. goes to door and opens it.) 

(aside) How vexing! Johnnie's uncle, (comes down l. 
in front of sofa) and he is not here to receive him! 
Mrs. P. Will you walk in, sir? 

(Colonel Smith enters.) 

Colonel. Thanks! (hands his hat and stick to Mrs. 
P., who places them on hat stand) 

(Exit Mrs. P. shutting door.) 

(coming down r.) Good morning, madam, (aside) By 
Jove! What a pretty woman! 

Mabel. Good morning, uncle. 

Colonel. Uncle! Then you must be Jack's wife. 

Mabel. Yes, uncle. 

Colonel. Then, my dear, come and give your uncle a 
kiss. (Bus.) So you're my niece Nora, eh? (sits r.) 

Mabel. Nora? No, uacle, Mabel, (sits sofa) 

Colonel. Mabel? I thought it was Nora. But I'm 
evidently wrong. You see, I've never had the pleasure 
of meeting you until now, but — er — er (aside) By 
George, Jack has excellent taste — lucky fellow! (aloud) 
And where is Master Jack? 

Mabel. He's out, uncle, but I'm expecting him every 
moment. You'll stay and see him, won't you? 

Colonel. I haven't much time to spare, my dear, I'm 
due at the War Office at eleven, and this afternoon I'm 
off home to Plymouth. 

Mabel. Plymouth! Then your home isn't in India 
now? 

Colonel. Left India many years ago, my dear, didn't 
Jack tell you? No, no, of course not; too much occupied 
to think of an old fogey like me. (vises, laughs) 
Mabel, my dear, give your uncle another kiss. (Bus.) 

(Smith enters door r. down stage and sees the embrac- 
ing Bus.) 

Smith. Uncle Duncan — and, good heavens, she's em- 
bracing him. 



24 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Exit door r. down stage.) 

Mabel. Can't I persuade you to stop and breakfast 
with us, uncle? Do! 

Colonel, (looks at watch) No, no, Mabel, thank you, 
but I won't say no to a whiskey and soda, my dear. 

Mabel, (confused) I don't think Johnnie keeps spir- 
its in this house, uncle. He's a teetotaler, you know, 
and 

Colonel. A teetotaler? (aside) Pshaw! He's an 
idiot! (going down r.) 

Mabel. But I'll see if Mrs. Ponting has a little in 
the kitchen, (goes up) 

Colonel. Don't trouble, my dear, don't trouble. 

Mabel. It's not the least little bit of trouble in the 
would, Uncle Duncan. 

(Exit c. to l.) 

Colonel, (laughs) Jack a teetotaler, eh! That's 
too rich! (crosses l.) 

(Smith enters door down R.) 

Jack, my boy, glad to see you, glad to see you! (Bus.) 
Smith. Ah! my dear uncle, how do you do? (looks 
round anxiously, advancing with outstretched hand, but 
7nisses Colonel's hand, finally* finding it) How do you 
do? 

(They shake hands heartily.) 

Colonel. Just been having a talk with your wife. 

Smith. Didn't know you were in town, uncle. 

Colonel. Came up yesterday, a little business at the 
War Office. Off home again 

Smith. Well, good-bye. (shakes his hands again) 

Colonel. this afternoon, Jack. I say — (digs him 

in ribs) You're a very lucky fellow! (goes to couch 
l.) 

Smith. Think so? 

Colonel. Been having a talk with your wife. 

Smith. My wife! 

Colonel. Just seen Mabel! (sits on couch) 

Smith. Just seen Mabel! 

Colonel. But, do you know, I made a little mistake. 

Smith. Eh, mistake, sir? (sits l. of table) 

Colonel, (laughs) I called her Nora. (laughs) 
And her name's Mabel, (laughs) But didn't you say 
in your letters that it was Nora? 



FACING THE MUSIC. 25 

Smith, (coughs) Never, uncle, never, never! 

Colonel. Anyhow, your wife's a remarkably pretty 
woman, yOu must bring her down to Plymouth, your 
aunt will be delighted. You've been married nearly 
four years, and you've never paid us a visit. 

Smith. Well, you see the weather's been so bad — ■ 
no, I don't mean that — you've been away in the South 
of France most of the time, you know. 

Colonel. Quite true! However, we've settled in Ply- 
mouth now. You must bring Mabel down and stop for 
a few weeks. 

Smith. Bring Mabel down? 

Colonel. Yes, your wife. 

Smith. My wife! 

Colonel. Yes, your wife. Why— 

(Smith groans.) 

what's the matter? You don't appear well! 

Smith. No, I don't feel well. 

Colonel. I'm not surprised; your punishment for 
being a teetotaler. 

Smith, (rises — aside, smothering a laugh) I wish 
to Heaven I'd been one last night! 

Colonel, (looks at watch and then clock) I say, 
Jack, that clock's wrong, surely? 

Smith. What's the matter with it? 

Colonel. It's half an hour fast. (Bus. with watch) 

Smith. No, sir, it's the exact time. 

Colonel, (rising) What! Then I shall miss my ap- 
pointment at the War Office! 

Smith. You mustn't do that! 

(Rushes to door, ovens it, gets Col.'s stick and hat, 
hands them to him, and then rushes and opens outer 
door.) 

Colonel, (going) Egad, it'll be awkward if I do! 
(takes hat and stick) Never missed an appointment 
in my life, and now I'm going to start by keeping the 
Commander-in-Chief waiting. I must have a hansom. 
(going up) 

Smith. There's a cab rank at the door. 

Colonel. Good-bye, Jack. I'll look in again if I've 
time. Explain to Mabel. She's gone to try and find 
me a whiskey and soda. Good-bye. 

(Exit c.) 



26 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Smith. Good-bye. Remember me to auntie, won't 
you? (closing outer door of flat) Explain to Mabel! 
It's Mabel who's got to explain to me. Ah, here she 
comes!i 

(Quick exit door down R.) 

(Mabel enters c. from l. carrying whiskey and syphon 
of soda on salver, leaving door open.) 

Mabel. I've succeeded, uncle — not here? (placing 
salver on sideboard and looking through window) 

Col. (off) Hansom! Hansom! 

Mabel, (looking out of windoio) W.hy, there he is 
getting into a cab, and oh, how cross he appears! What 
have I done? So strange of him to run away like that! 
I don't understand! (laughs, going) Uncle Duncan's 
conduct is most mysterious! 

(Exit door l.) 

(Nora opens the door of flat with her latchkey, and 
enters, carrying a small bag and two or three Illus- 
trated papers. She closes door of room.) 

Nora. Here I am home once more. A week sooner 
than my husband expects me. How surprised he'll be— 
and how delighted. I didn't send him a telegram to 
say I was coming. I thought it would be such fun to 
descend upon him, and here I am. My luggage will 
follow. (looking at breakfast table) Breakfast not 
over yet? Oh, Jack, you lazy boy! It's laid for three! 
Then he has visitors! I hope they're nice. How sweet 
the room looks, and how prettily the flowers are ar- 
ranged! Mrs. Ponting, the new housekeeper, is evi- 
dently a woman with taste. Now to find dear old 
Jack! (running to door l. i. e.) 

Cabby, (heard off) Whoa! 

Nora. Good gracious! I've forgotten to pay the cab- 
man. I'll do that first, (goes to door c.) And then 
for my Jack, (kissing her hand to door l.) 

(She goes out c. closing door.) 

(Smith enters, followed by Dick, laughing loudly, door 
down r.) 

Smith. If you don't stop that idiotic laughing, I'll 
punch your silly head. I've told you everything, exactly 



FACING THE MUSIC. 27 

as it happened, and you do nothing but grin — you 
haven't an ounce of sympathy in your composition. 

Dick. Have you looked in your overcoat pocket? 

Smith, (crossing to couch and picking up overcoat) 
I've looked in every blessed pocket I've ever had. 
(searches pocket) I tell you the thing's been stolen. 

Dick. But, confound it, Smith — £200 — haven't you 
done anything in the matter? 

Smith. Of course I have. I reported the robbery at 
Vine Street last night, and they promised to send a 
detective here first thing this morning. Oh, Dick, you 
don't know how thankful I am that my wife's in Dover! 

Dick. Never mind your wife! It's Mabel that re- 
quires all your attention just now. 

Smith, (r. c.) And she shall have it! I'll see her 
and demand a full explanation. 

Dick. It must be the lady you met in the fog! 

Smith. Nonsense, man, do you for a moment imagine 
she'd risk coming here after last night's affair? 

Dick- Then who is she? What is. she? And what's 
she doing in your flat? 

Smith. That's what I've got to find out. 

(Mabel is heard singing in room l.) 

Dick. She's coming! (going up to door b. c.) 

Smith, (trying to prevent him) Don't go, Dick, 
don't go — you'd better stop! 

Dick. No, thanks, (going) Hope you'll get a satis- 
factory explanation! What'll you do if you don't? 

Smith, (hanging on to Dick's arm) What shall I 
do? Why, run her in, of course. 

Dick. No, no, Smiff, you mustn't do that! Poor little 
lady, nice little lady! 

Smith. But I say, Dick 

(Bus. — and exit up r. Dick.) 
(Mabel enters door l.) 

Mabel. Another stranger! 

(Smith coughs as if to clear his throat, goes R. of 
table and coughs again.) 

(exclamation of alarm) How peculiar he seems! 

Smith. Madam, I — er — excuse me, but what are you 
doing in this flat? 

(MUSIC. Piano until cue.) 



28 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Mabel. Sir! I don't understand you! 1 (going l. c.) 

Smith. No, but you will in a moment, madam. 

(crossing r. c.) My name is Smith! Smith! Smith! 

Mabel. What? 

Smith. Yes, ma'am, Smith! 

Mabel. And do you know who I am, sir? 

Smith. No, ma'am, I do not. 

Mabel. I am Mrs. Smith. 

(Dick shows at door up r. Smith gives an insane 
laugh.) 

And if you do not leave this flat at once, I'll send my 
servant for the police! Oh! 

(Exit door l., locking it after her.) 

Smith, (rushing after her to door) You'll send 
your servant for the police! You'll — (bangs on the 
locked door) 

(Dick has entered in time to hear Mabel threaten 
Smith with the police.) 

Dick. Why, Smiff, she's going to run you in. (roars 
with laughter, sits l. of table r.) 

Smith. Don't laugh, don't laugh! (getting savage 
with Dick) Quick, man, quick, help me to get her 
away at once, (going l.) 

Nora, (off) Jack! 

Smith. My wife! The devil. 

Nora, (entering) Jack! (rushes down and em,' 
braces Jack) 

Smith. Nora! 

(They embrace c) 
(MUSIC forte to bring Curtain down.) 
(Dick rises and stands at corner of table b.) 

CURTAIN. 

PICTURE. 

Dick. Nora. John Smith. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 29 



ACT II. 

Scene. — Same as Act I. Ten minutes later on the same 
morning. Mabel's hat on chair l. of centre door, boa 
on armchair down r., and umbrella on chair r. of door 
c. Centre door shut, so that entrance half of the flat 
is not seen. On table coffee-pot, milk jug, etc. Dish 
with cutlets. 

(Dick Desmond discovered, seated at head of breakfast 
table, eating heartily — facing the audience.) 
Dick. Smiff's going to be busy this morning! 

(laughs) There's a blizzard blowing up! Poor Smiff! 

The lady's still on the premises, (laughs) 

(Smith enters excitedly, door c. and walks about stage 
not observing Dick at the breakfast table.) 

Smith. What the deuce am I to do? How am I to 
get rid of her? Oh, why can't I think of something! 
I'll tell my wife! (sits) Yes, I will — I'll — no, I won't 
— (rises) — she wouldn't believe me, oh! (goes down 
l. c.) 

Dick, (still eating at the breakfast table) Don't 
sprint about like that Smiff, sit down and have some 
cutlets! Have some coffee! 

Smith. How dare you eat when I'm in such trouble? 
(drags him away from the breakfast table and flings 
him on couch) 

Dick, (holding fork with small piece of meat on it) 
What art you doing — man? 

Smith. That's not the question! It's what have I 
done? I've done nothing, that's the beauty of it! (sits 
on couch facing Dick) Now. (smacking Dick's knees) 
What am I going to do? I repeat, sir. (repeats smack- 
ing) What am I going to do? Just think of my predica- 
ment. That woman — (going to door l.) 

Dick. Mabel? 

Smith. Yes, Mabel — 

(Dick rises and goes quickly to breakfast table and 
eats.) 

She's still here — and my wife has arrived. 

Dick. You're certainly in a bit of a hole, Smiff. 
(laughs) 

Smith. Don't laugh sir; and if you don't come away 
from that breakfast table, I'll strangle you. (dragging 
him away again, Dick with piece of toast in hand) 
Can't you realize my position — 



30 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Dick tries to eat, Smith pulls Ms hand down.) 
can't you think of some way to help me out of it? 

(Dick tries to eat, Smith pulls his hand down, takes 

piece of toast off fork and throws it away.) 
No, of course you can't! And I'm a fool to waste my 
time talking to you. I'll take her bodily and deposit 
her in the street, (goes to door l., Dick going r.) No, 
she's bigger than I am, besides, she'd scream. But 
there's one consolation, I've got my pocket-book! (pro- 
ducing it, standing l. c.) 

Dick. You have! How did you manage it? 

Smith. Found it on the dressing table in her room. 
(points to room l.) I mean my wife's room. 

Dick. Notes all safe? (goes on eating at table r.) 

Smith. Yes, thank goodness. 

Dick. Then she must be the lady you met in the fog 
last night. 

Smith. Looks like it. Fancy her having the audacity 
to come to my flat. 

Dick. They like flats, Smiff! But where is the fog- 
lette? 

Smith. There! (points to room l.) 

Dick. And your wife? 

Smith. There! (points to room off c. to R.) And 
perhaps you'll be good enough to tell me how I'm going 
to keep them from meeting! But there, you're not 
capable of helping me, your head's full of cutlets and 
coffee! You haven't sense enough to understand the 
horrible fix I'm in! 

Dick. Anyhow, I've sense enough to understand 
there'll be ructions if the foglette meets your wife. 

Smith. But they mustn't meet, man, they mustn't 
meet! 

(Nora enters c. with telegram form in hand; she is 
dressed for walking. Goes down c.) 

But she mustn't! Quick! (sees Nora c.) Darling! 
(sits on ottoman, looking at door of room l.) 

Nora. I'm going to the Post Office, Jack, to send a 
telegram to mother, announcing my safe arrival home. 
(Bus. counts words on telegram form) 

(Desmond rises on Nora's entrance and comes down R.) 

Smith, (aside) How lucky! (rises) 

Nora. I won't be long. 

Smith. So sorry. 

Nora. Sorry, dear? 

Smith, {confused) Yes, my pet — sorry that I'm too 



FACING THE MUSIC. 31 

busy to accompany you. But don't hurry! (bustling 
her up stage) 

Nora. Why, Jack, I believe you are anxious to get 
rid of me! 

Smith. My darling! What a cruel thing to say. 

Nora. Well, I'll just go to my room, and — (goes to- 
wards door l. in front of couch) 

Smith, (gets in front of door, hurriedly. With an 
exclamation, bars the way) Ah! ! ! You mustn't go 
in there, dear! 

Nora. Why not, dear? 

Smith. Because you mustn't! 

Nora. An excellent reason why I should. But why 
mustn't I go in there, Jack? 

Smith. Why? You might see something you ought 
not to see. 

Nora. Then I insist upon entering at once! (going 
towards door l.) 

Smith, (stopping her) Don't you understand, my 
dear? 

Nora. No, Jack, I don't! Why are you so anxious 
to keep me out of my own room? 

Smith. Why am I so anxious to keep you out of 
your own room, darling? (feeble laugh) I'm not, dear 
— it was Dick. 

Dick. Eh? 

Nora, (with delight) Ah! I know what it is! 

Smith. You do? (alarmed) 

Nora. Yes, you've a little surprise in store for me 
there! That's it, isn't it, Mr. Desmond? 

Dick. Not exactly, Mrs. Smith; I think I follow 
Jack's meaning. (coming down R. c.) During your 
visit to Scotland — 

(Bus. — Smith gesticulating.) 

Smith. Dover. 

Dick. I should say Dover. 

i 

(Nora looks enquiringly from one to the other.) 

Smith. Dover, oh, Dover — I heard him say Dover. 

Dick. I have been using that room. 

Smith. That's right — you see, Dick being my best 
friend, he's been using the best room — to keep it aired, 
darling, don't you see, keep it aired. 

Nora. But where did you sleep last night, Jack? 

Smith. Nowhere. 



32 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Dick laughs aside.) 

No, no — I had a shake-down in the spare bath-room — 
I mean bed room, dear, (points to room off c. to r.) 
But run along, darling, run along and send your tele- 
gram — run along! (sits on couch, glaring at door l.) 

Nora. Yes, Jack. I won't be gone long, (sees, and 
takes up Mabel's umbrella on chair r. of flat door, com- 
ing down c. of stage) Jack, here's a lady's umbrella, 
and it's not mine! 

Dick, (aside) The foglette's. 

Smith, (rises and goes c. to her) Eh? Not yours, 
Nora? You're mistaken, darling. 

Nora. I'm quite sure it's not mine, dear. 

Smith. Oh, yes, it is— it wasn't— but it is for the 
present. 

Nora. For the present? 

Smith. I mean — a little present for you, dear. 

Nora. Oh, you dear, thoughtful old boy! (kissing 
him) Thank you so much! 

Smith. So glad you're pleased, (sits on couch again, 
glaring at door l.) 

Nora. How sweet of you! (going up) Now I'll be 
off! (sees Mabel's hat on chair l. of c. door) Jack! 
What's this? (coming down c. of stage) 

Smith, (rises and goes to her c.) That, Nora? 
Don't you know! Can't you guess? Oh, that's another 
present for you — hope you like it! 

Nora. Like it? You dear! It's just too lovely. 
(going towards head of table l.) But why did you 
take it out of the box? 

Smith. Why did I take it out of the box? Oh! I— 
I — it was Dick. Why did you take it out of the box, 
Dick? 

Dick. So that it should catch your eye! 

Smith. That's right! That's right! 

(Nora goes to glass above fireplace, takes off her own 
hat and places it on chair above fireplace.) 

Don't put it on, darling — I wouldn't put it on. 

Nora. I must, Jack! I can't resist it! Why, there 
are lovely pins in it! 

Smith. Oh, yes, darling, pins, of course. I never 
forget anything when I start. 

(Dick goes to l. of table. Whilst Nora is admiring the 
hat in glass, Dick sees Mabel's large feather boa in 



FACING THE MUSIC. 33 

armchair below door r. i. e. and gives it to Smith, 
who hides it behind him and then stuffs it under his 
coat, between the shoulders, leaving a long tail hang- 
ing down. He gives a sigh of relief and a smile of 
satisfaction, thinking he has successfully hidden it. 
Dick laughs.) 

Nora, (going c.) It suits me beautifully, doesn't it, 
Mr. Desmond? 

Dick. Admirably, Mrs. Smith. 

Nora. What a dear, kind, thoughful and considerate 
husband I have. 

Dick. A model husband, Mrs. Smith. (seeing the 
end of boa hanging behind Smith, signals to Smith. 
Bus.) 

(Smith smiles contentedly, thinking it cannot be seen.) 

Nora. There, Jack, Mr. Desmond calls you a model 
husband, and so you are. (seeing the boa dangling) 
Why, Jack, what's that? 

Smith. What's what, my darling? 

(He turns, and Nora, who has the end of the boa in 
her hand, draws it out.) 

Oh, that's another little surprise for you, dear. 

Nora. Then why were you trying to hide it? 

Smith. I wasn't, dear. It was Dick. He said 1 
wasn't to spring too many surprises on you all at once, 
darling. 

Nora, (putting it on) Oh, there! and now I'll be 
off to the Post Office, (sees herself in glass) Oh! Au 
revoir, Mr. Desmond! 

(Smith hurries up stage and opens door for Nora. 
Bright exit c, leaving door of room open.) 

Smith. Good-bye, sweetheart, good-bye, good-bye! 
(with a groan sinks in chair up r. c.) 

(Dick roars with laughter.) 

Smith. Shut up, do! 

Dick. Smiff, if the foglette meets your wife in her 
things, there'll be trouble. 

Smith. Good Heavers! I never thought of that, but 
I got out of it beautifully, didn't I? (coming r.) Some 
fellows would have been completely bowled over, 



34 FACING THE MUSIC. 

wouldn't they? But come, before my wife returns this 
fainting female must be removed, (crosses l.) I shall 
never have another moment's peace until she's gone — 
never, never! 

Dick. I say, Smiff, your wife has a deuce of a tem- 
per. 

Smith. She has, but that little ebullition just now 
was a very poor sample of it. 

Dick. Well, I wouldn't give a pin for a woman with- 
out a temper, a dispassionate woman's like a calm sea, 
gets monotonous after a time. Nothing like a little ex- 
hilarating breeze now and then, (laughs) 

Smth. Oh! you think so, do you? You'll alter your 
opinion when you are married. 

Dick. Quite contented as I am, thanks. Marriages, 
they say, are made in Heaven. I mean to wait until 
I get there, (goes r.) 

(Duffell knocks and rings.) 

Smith. Never mind what you mean to do; tell me 
what I am to do with this — this — fogelette, as you call 
her? 

(Enter Mrs. Ponting by passage l. and opens the flat 
door. Duffell is seen. He is fashionably dressed, 
and looks like a country squire, and in no way indi- 
cates by his dress that he is a detective.) 

Who's this? 

(Smith strikes attitude l. over ottoman — foot on couch. 
Dick same Bus. over table, with foot on chair.) 

Duff. Mr. Smith at home? 

Mrs. P. Yes, sir. What name, sir? 

Duff. Thanks. (He walks past her into the room 
and is somewhat surprised at the manner of Smith and 
Dick — looks first at one and then at the other.) 

Mrs. P. Well, that's cool! 

(Shuts street door and makes her exit.) 

Duff, (addressing Dick) Mr. Smith, I pfesume? 
Dick. No. that is Mr. Smith. 
Smith. Yes, that's my name! 

Duff. Your pardon, (to Dick — then to Smith) 
Mine's Duffell. 



facing the music. 35 

'{lie looks round the room without moving, much to the 
surprise of Dick and Smith, and then deliberately 
shuts the centre door of room. He then goes to win- 
dow and waves his handkerchief three times very de- 
liberately. Smith goes r. c. watching him.) 

Dick. Who is this man? 

Smith. I don't know. Here! I say, what are you 
doing? What do you mean by — {does handkerchief 
Bus.) 

Dick. Yes, what do you mean by — (also does hand- 
kerchief Bus.) 

Duff. That, sir — Oh! I'm signalling to my man! I'm 
from Vine Street! (coming down c.) 

Smith. Oh! (aside to Dick) This is the inspector, 
Dick. I reported the robbery by letter last night! 
Soon get her off the premises now. (very pleased) 
Take a seat, Mr. Duffell! (crosses behind <o l) I 
think I gave all the particulars of the affair in my note. 

(Duffell sits l. c. on chair placed there by Smith, who 
takes is from l. of table r.) 

Duff. Yes, sir. (c.) 

Smith, (c.) Well, you'll be glad to hear I've re- 
covered my pocket-book. 

Duff. You have, sir. 

Smith, (c.) Yes — there it is. (taking out pocket 
book) 

Duff, (taking the pocket-book) But I want the 
lady 

Smith. Take her, I don't! 

Duff. Yes, the lady and the rest of 'em, sir. (smells 
pocket-book) Parma violets, that's the scent I'm going 
to follow. Where did you find this, sir? (returning 
the pocket-book to Smith) 

Smith. On the dressing table in that room, (points 
to door l.) 

Duff. Oh! then the lady's not far away! 

Smith. No, she's on the dressing table — I mean she's 
in that room. 

(Duffell looks at door and smiles.) 

Now, Duffellf all I want you to do is to frighten her 
away from my flat. If she remains here five minutes 
longer, I'm lost. 

Dick. Yes, Duffell, get her away from this flat, that's 
all. 



36 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Duff. No, sir, that is not all! {rises and puts 
chair l. of table r.) I've got an idea. I'm on the track 
of one of the cleverest gangs in Europe. 

Smith. Dick, what did I tell you? I'm the victim 
of a diabolical conspiracy — I knew it! 

Duff. The head of it might have been a cabinet 
minister if he'd run straight — '-' Saintly Sam," we call 
him. 

Dick. Why " Saintly Sam? " 

Duff. Why! Because he's generally got up like a 
parson. Never seen him, should like to, though. Some- 
times it's Broad Church, sometimes High, sometimes 
Low. 

Smith. Never mind whether he's broad, high or low. 
(impatiently) Get her away! 

Duff. But I don't understand why she is here. 

Smith. Neither do I! 

Duff. How did she get here? 

Dick. Came in a cab about twelve o'clock last night. 

Duff. Then she slept here? 

Smith, (seated on couch) She did, Duffe.ll, she did! 
In that room; and she has the cool audacity to say she's 
Mrs. Smith. 

Duff. Mrs. Smith! (roars with laughter) No! 

Smith, (gets up) For goodness' sake, don't you be- 
gin to laugh, Duff ell. Do hurry up; my wife will be 
here in a moment. 

Duff. I'm beginning to see her little game here. 

Smith. But she mustn't have any little games here. 

Duff. Oh, this is a lovely case. 

Smith. I don't think so! Take her away! Take her 
away! 

Duff, (smiling and shaking his head) Impossible, 
sir! 

Smith. Damn it, man, she't not going to remain here. 

Duff. She must, sir, just as long as ever she likes! 

Smith. What! Think of my wife! 

Duff. You think of my reputation, (this with great 
importance) 

Smith. Hang your reputation! What about mine? 

Duff. (Bus. to Dick and Smith, beckons first one 
and then the other to him) Do you know who the 
lady is, sir? 

Smith and Dick, (together) No, Duffell, I — we — do 
not! 

Duff. No, but I do. I'm a bit wide, I am — I'm not 
one of them narrow chaps. / find out things. 

Smith. You are awfully clever! — but who is she? 



FACING THE MUSIC. 37 

Duff. She's the Duchess of Piccadilly. 

Smith and Dick, (together) The Duchess of Pic- 
cadilly? 

Smith. That notorious woman — here? 

Dick. Then, Smiff, I shall call you the Duke of Lei- 
caster Square, (roars with laughter, sinks in chair R. 
of table r.) 

(Duffell laughs heartily.) 

Smith. Don't laugh, Duffell! It isn't funny. 

Duff. But her real name is Matilda Scraggs, and 
her mother keeps a wardrobe shop in Somer's Town. 

Smith. I don't want to know her pedigree — only re- 
move Matilda Scraggs immediately. 

Duff. Quite out of the question. Why take one little 
fish when with a bit of judicious ground baiting, I can 
catch the whole swim? 

Smith. For goodness' sake fish this fishy little fish 
away! 

Duff. I say again, sir, impossible! 

Smith, (who has gradually worked up to a pitch of 
impatience) What's your idiotic object in wanting her 
to remain here? 

Duff. To attract the rest of 'em. 

Smith. The rest of 'em! 

Duff. Sir, if she isn't suspicious they'll all be here 
presently. 

Smith. Oh, I like that — we'll get the spare room 
ready for them, (inane laugh) 

Duff. Now I must go and place my men. (going up 
c.) Yes, I'll post one at the pillar box round the cor- 
ner, (opens door as if going out) 

Smith, (crossing over to Dick r. aside) This fellow 
is a damned fool, Dick. How can he possibly post a 
man at a pillar box? 

Duff, (closing door and coming down c.) Can you 
oblige me with a latchkey, sir? Might want to pop in 
unawares. 

Dick. Here's mine, (gives key) 

Duff, (taking it) Thank you, sir. I'm on the road 
to promotion, (going up c) 

Smith. And I'm on the road to ruin, (crosses l.) 

Duff. By the way, how was the Duchess dressed 
when she arrived? (coming down c. taking out pocket- 
book) 

Smith. Fancy asking a man to describe a woman's 
dress! 



38 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Duff. Well, she must have had something Oh, sir. 

Smith. Yes, of course — well — she'd a — a — 

Dick. She'd — a — er — yes — 

Smith. Yes, she'd a — er — a sort of a — brown sort of 
hat thing. 

Dick. Yes, with — er — big ostriches on the top of it. 

Smith. No, no, ostrich feathers. 

Dick. And one of those — er — you know, Smiff. 

Smith. Yes, Jim Jammy looking things — you know — 
that hang down 

Duff. Feather boa, sir? 

Smith. That's right — Oh, feather boa! Oh, you are 
clever! 

Dick. And — er — a very handsome umbrella — 

Smith. Yes, with a massive gold top. 

(During above lines, Duffell makes notes in his pocket- 
book.) 

Duff. Anything else? 

Smith. No, that's all. 

Duff, (reading from note book) Brown hat, os- 
trich feathers, feather boa, handsome umbrella, massive 
gold top — and that's all. 

Smith. Oh, Duffell, Duffell, do go and post that man 
at the pillar box. 

Duff. Just going, sir. (laughs — going up to door c.) 
So she calls herself Mrs. Smith, does she? This is a 
lovely case! 

(Exit c. door.) 

Smith. Shakespeare was right — the law is an ass. 
So am I. (sees Dick laughing) And so are you! In- 
stead of getting Miss Matilda Mabel Scraggs away, I've 
got this duffer-headed Duffell policeman on my hands. 

Dick. Leave Matilda Scraggs to me. (crosses to 
Smith) 

Smith. With pleasure, only — get her away! Get her 
away! 

Dick. I'll look after her. 

Smith. You will? Oh, you Briton! (shakes hands 
toith Dick) 

Dick. You go and meet your wife, and keep her 
out as long as you can. 

Smith. I will, I will! That's a rattling good idea! 
(going into the hall and putting on his hat) Oh, if it 
should get into the papers. What a lovely head-line 



FACING THE MUSIC. 30 

it'll make. " Arrest of the Duchess of Piccadilly in Mr. 
John Smith's flat in Mona Mansions." Oh, lor! 

(Mabel enters from room l.) 

{Nearly shuts centre door — puts his right arm round it 
and points three times to door l. as Mabel enters. 
As Smith goes tip c. Dick crosses R.) 

(Exit Smith.) 

Dick. Poor old Smith! He is certainly in a very 
tight corner. 

Mabel, (not seeing Smith's exit) Oh, Mr. Des- 
mond, I'm getting so anxious about my husband? Why 
doesn't he come — why doesn't he come? (goes up to 
ivindoiv) 

Dick, (aside) How pretty she looks. No, she shan't 
fall into Duffell's hands, I'll warn her! (aloud) Mrs. 
Smith! 

Mabel, (coming down c.) Mr. Desmond! 

Dick. Fly! 

(Mabel starts oack alarmed — he follows her.) 

Fly! (waving his hands in the air) 

Mabel. Mr. Desmond, have you lost your reason? 

Dick. No, no, but you'll lose your liberty if you don't 
fly! Come now, you know you're not Mrs. Smith, so 
does Duffell, so does Mr. Smith. 

(Duffell enters and strolls down stage.) 

Mabel, (l.) Oh! (in a state of indignation) What 
do you mean, sir? How dare you? 
Dick, (r.) Fly! Fly! 

(Duffell coughs.) 

(sees Duff.) Too late, too late! (crosses r.) 

Duff, (going to Dick r.) Pardon me, sir, there's one 
more little point, I just wanted to know if — (to Dick, 
aside) Who's the lady? 

Dick. Mrs. Smith, (to Duff) 

Duff. Oh! 

Dick, (aside) Oh, Tilly, Tilly — you're caught, you're 
caught — poor lost little foglette! 



40 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Exit door down R.) 

Duff, (aside) The genuine Mrs. Smith, (takes off 
hat, aloud) Pardon me, madam, but my name's Duf- 
fell — Sergeant Duffell, of Vine Street. I've come to as- 
sist your husband, Mr. Smith, (r. c.) 

Mabel. My husband — ah, yes. 

Duff. There's a charming little conspiracy going on 
in this flat, and I'm here to arrest a lady passing as 
Mrs. Smith. 

Mabel. A lady here in my husband's flat! (crosses 
R.) 

Duff, (goes l.) Yes, ma'am, in your husband's flat. 
The case is somewhat complicated. I want your assist- 
ance. 

Mabel. But how can I assist you? 

Duff. By watching her, ma'am — and as it's in your 
husband's interests, I don't think you'll mind carrying 
out a little plan of mine. It's very simple, and it will 
help Mr. Smith! You needn't be afraid, I shall be close 
at hand. 

Mabel. Then whatever it is, I'll do it. 

Duff. Good! How many servants do you keep? 

Mabel. Only one, our housekeeper, Mrs. Ponting! 

Duff. Now, if you can borrow one of her aprons and 
one of her caps and appear before her in the guise of 
a servant, you'd be able to gain some very valuable in- 
formation; understand, ma'am? 

Mabel. Yes, yes, I'll see Mrs. Ponting at once, (going 
up c.) 

(Duffell crosses r.) 

But who is this lady — what is her name — and what is 
she doing here? (comes down r. c. again) 

Duff. If it's the party I think, her name's Matilda 
Scraggs, but there's no time to explain now, ma'am — 
but whatever you do, don't let her suspect you're watch- 
ing. 

Mabel, (going up to door) No. Oh, how excited I 
feel! But have no fear, I'll carry out your instructions 
to the letter. 

(Exit Mabel c.) 

Duff, (putting on hat) That's what I call a very 
sensible woman, (taking cigar from box on sideboard 
■ — Bus. — takes up box — smells cigars) Cigars! good 



FACING THE MUSIC. 41 

'uns too — I wonder if they've counted 'em! Well, any- 
how here goes for one. Now, Duffell, my boy, you can 
smoke a quiet cigar outside, watch the flat, and await 
developments! 

(Duffell opens room door c, and Nora opens street 
door. Duffell hides behind door c. Nora does not 
see him.) 

(Nora goes straight to fireplace and admires hat and boa 
in glass. The moment she passes Duffell. he darts 
round to the other side of door, almost closing it, 
showing head and arm. He points to Nora.) 

(quickly, in loud ivhisper) The hat — the boa— the um- 
brella — the Duchess! 

(Exit c, closing door quietly.) 

Nora, (ivho has been looking in glass admiring her 
things) Yes, it was good of Jack to think of me, and 
I'm so delighted with his presents! (looking in glass 
again) The dear fellow! So different from most hus- 
bands! But, I'm forgetting my duties! (rings bell on 
table R.) I've not seen Mrs. Ponting yet! I'll inter- 
view her at once. She certainly keeps the flat in de- 
lightful order! (sits at table r.) I wonder what she's 
like! Jack gave me a very glowing account of her in 
his letters; he says she is a treasure. I hope she's not 
too good-looking, (sits r. of table) 

(Mabel enters c. in cap and apron, leaving door open.) 

Mabel. Did you ring, ma'am? 

Nora, (starts on seeing so pretty and bewitching a 
servant) Why, she's positively beautiful! Good morn- 
ing, Mrs. Ponting! 

Mabel. Good morning, ma'am! (aside) My hat! 

Nora. I'm your mistress — Mrs. Smith. 

Mabel, (scarcely able to control herself) Yes, 
ma'am, (aside) Matilda Scraggs! 

Nora. You can take away the breakfast things. 

(Crosses l. c. looking at Mabel as Mabel crosses to b. 
of table. During this scene Mabel is collecting every- 
thing on the tray ivhich is on table — she folds the 
white cloth over it when everything is on it, and should 
time it so as to be finished in time to carry it off when 
Nora says " That will do, thank you. You may go.") 



42 FACING TEE MUSIC. 

Mabel. Yes, ma'am, (crosses to table r.) 

Nora, (aside) Decidedly too good looking. I should 
have returned home sooner, (aloud) What is your 
name? (seated on coucJi) 

Mabel. Mabel, ma'am, (aside) My boa! 

Nora. Mabel? (putting umbrella on couch) 

Mabel. Yes, ma'am, (aside) And my umbrella! 

Nora. You are a widow, I believe? 

Mabel, (starts) A widow! Yes, ma'am. 

Nora, (aside) Young, good-looking and a widow! 
Decidedly dangerous! Jack's description was most mis- 
leading, (aloud) I hope you've been attentive to my 
husband? 

Mabel. Very, ma'am, (clears breakfast things) 

Nora, (aside) Not too attentive, I hope, (aloud) 
I fear Mr. Smith must have been very lonely. 

Mabel. Oh, very, poor darling! 

Nora, (indignantly) Mrs. Ponting! (rises) 

Mabel. I mean poor darling master, ma'am. 

Nora, (aside) She shall certainly not stay!i 

(Mabel makes great noise with breakfast things.) 

(starts) Mrs. Ponting, pray be careful! 

Mabel. I beg pardon. 

Nora. Do you usually clear the table in that ex- 
tremely awkward manner? 

Mabel, (flurried) Well, you see, ma'am, I haven't 
been in service very long. 

Nora. Evidently not; I'm afraid this place will not 
be at all suitable to you. 

Mabel. Oh yes, ma'am, I like it very much indeed! 

Nora. Besides you are much too young to hold a 
house-keeper's position. 

Mabel. Too young, ma'am! Mr. Smith doesn't think 
so. 

Nora, (aside) I can quite believe it. (aloud) 
Never mind what Mr. Smith thinks. I am mistress of 
this household, Mrs. Ponting, please understand that. 

Mabel. Yes, ma'am. 

Nora. That will do, thank you, — you may go. 

Mabel. Yes, ma'am. 

(Lifts up tray with tea things on, also train of dress, 
showing plenty of frilled petticoat. Exit c. with 
breakfast things, leaving door open.) 

Nora, (following her up and watching her) Black 



FACING THE MUSIC. 43 

satin shoes and black silk stockings. (closes door) 
Jack's description was most misleading! She shall not 
stay here another night. Not another night! (crosses r. 
looking in glass and taking off hat and boa during the 
folloioing scene, places hat and boa on table) 

(Smith enters c, shuts door, creeping down to door l. 
Nora watches him, and just as he has his hand on 
handle of door, calls.) 

Jack! 

Smith. Ah, there you are, darling! (he is very anx- 
ious, and all through the folloioing scene with his ivife, 
endeavors to peep into Mabel's room, being anxious 
to knoio if she's gone, of course not alloiving his wife to 
be suspicious of his movements) I've been looking for 
you everywhere! 

Nora. And I've been interviewing Mrs. Ponting. 

Smith. Well, wasn't I right — isn't she a treasure? 

Nora. I'm not at all impressed with her! (crosses 
to Smith) 

Smith. You're not? Oh, I am disappointed. 

Nora. She's much too good-looking. 

Smith. Good-looking, Nora? Oh no, you can't call 
Mrs. Ponting good-looking. Comely, if you like, dear; 
but she's not a beauty! (both seated on couch) 

Nora. She wears black satin shoes and black silk 
etceteras. 

Smith, (sits on couch l.) Does she? I've never no- 
ticed them, darling, (aside) Giddy old Ponting! Think 
of that! (Bus.) 

Nora, (slightly jealous) She's been very attentive 
to you, she tells me! 

Smith. Very, dear. Slippers — everything, always 
ready — nice cup of tea in bed every morning! 

Nora. Most improper! (rises, crosses to r. aside) I 
hear you've been very lonely without me., (aloud) 

Smith, (goes l. playing with flowers in vase on table 
l., showing his anxiety to open door l.) Very, darling! 
In fact, I don't know what I should have done without — 
Mrs. Ponting, she was most comforting, dear! 

Nora, (goes up to glass over mantel r., aside) Yes, 
a month's wages in lieu of notice. 

Smith, (by this time Smith has managed to look 
into Mabel's room — aside) She's gone. (Bus.) I 
breathe again! 

(Dick enters, not seeing Nora, from room r. going c.) 



44 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Dick. I say, Smiff! 

Smith, (aside) Hush! (Bus. indicating Nora's 
presence. He then indicates his delight at the departure 
of Mabel, finishing up by shaking Dick's hand) How 
did she go, eh? 

Dick, (aside) She hasn't gone! 

Smith. Not gone! (forgetting his wife's presence, 
gives a yell) What the devil do you mean? (angrily) 

Nora, (alarmed, runs to Smith) Jack! Ah, he is 
ill, Mr. Desmond. 

(Dick goes r. c.) 

Smith, (sitting on ottoman, with handkerchief to 
face) It's nothing, Nora. Touch of neuralgia, that's 
all, that's all. 

Nora. I've a little Eau de Cologne in my bag. I'll 
fetch it and bathe your poor head, darling! 

(Exit quickly c. door — Hall.) 

Smith, (rising) She's not gone? 

Dick. How could she go without these things? 
(pointing to hat, etc. — on table) 

Smith, (groans) Oh! 

Dick. Why didn't you keep your wife away longer? 
Take her out again, and keep her out. 

Smith. Where's that assinine Duff ell? 

(Enter Nora from c. pouring Eau de Cologne on hand- 
kerchief.) 

Dick. I left him here with the foglette! (Bus. 
aside) Your wife! (crosses l.) 

(Smith drops into couch again and groans as if ill.) 
(Dick sits round to l. of him.) 

Nora. There, dear, let me — (pours Eau de Cologne 
on his head) 

Smith, (yelling) Oh! Oh! You've poured it in my 
eye, dear. (Bus.) 

Nora. Oh! I am so sorry, dear! (Bus.) 

Smith. I'm better now. That's lovely — but come, 
Nora, I've another little surprise for you. 

Nora. Another? (full of delight) 

Smith. Yes, darling, I'm full of surprises this morn- 
ing. Put on your things, I'll take you round to Mit- 



FACING THE MUSIC. 45 

chell's and buy you a sealskin dress — no, no, jacket- 
jacket! 

Dick, (to Smith) Good idea, Smiff! 

(Nora crosses r., takes up Mabel's hat off table.) 

Smith, (going across r.) No, no, not that one. 
(takes it and holds it behind him and then 

(Dick takes it and puts it on table below door l.) 

Wouldn't go well with the sealskin! 

(Nora then takes Mabel's boa, Smith takes it from her.) 

Nor that, Nora. 

Nora. Why not, Jack? 

Smith. Well, my dear, that and sealskin? Judge for 
yourself! 

(Bus. hands it to Dick, who puts it on table l. with the 
hat.) 

Nora, (taking her own hat from chair r.) Anything 
to please you, dear. 

(Mabel opens door slightly — peeps in, and unseen 
watches them — she is still in servant's dress.) 

Smith, (takes out his pocket book, and, opening it, 
shows notes) Now, Nora, a little extra pin money! 
Where's your purse, dear? (he sits at table, placing the 
notes and his pocket book on it) 

Mabel, (aside) My husband's pocket book! He's 
stolen it! 

(Nora sitting at head of table l. and placing her purse 
on the table. Bus. with notes.) 

Smith. Five — ten — and one makes fifteen! There 
you are, Nora. (Bus. places notes on top of pocket book 
on table) 

Nora. Oh, how generous you are! (goes to glass, 
puts on hat) 
\ Smith. I can afford to be generous, thanks to " Merry 
Mabel." 

Mabel, (aside) Merry Mabel! I don't feel merry! 

Dick. She's a flyer! 



4G FACING THE MUSIC. 

Smith. Yes, but she wants a lot of humoring. 
(crosses to l. and takes his overcoat from couch) 

Mabel, (aside) Oh, does she? 

Dick. You were lucky to get hold of her. I wish she 
was mine, she'll bring you in no end of money, Smiff. 

(Smith hands overcoat to Dick to help him on.) 

Nora. I've not seen her yet, you know, (crosses to 
i. c.) 

Mabel, (aside) Oh, haven't you? 

(The moment Nora has crossed to l. c. and all the char- 
acters have their backs to Mabel, she goes quickly to 
table, takes the notes and quickly hides behind cur- 
tains.) 

Smith. Jawson takes her down to Mudboro' to-mor- 
row and the Duke of Putney's plate will be ours, (put- 
ting on coat) 

(By this time, all the characters have their backs to 
Mabel. Dick helping Smith on with his coat, and 
Nora fastening her gloves.) 

Nora, (who has been arranging her hat, etc.) I'm 
quite ready, dear, (makes sure that Mabel is behind 
curtain, and goes up to door c.) 

Smith, (putting on overcoat) All right, dearie, I 
won't be two wobbles of a duck's tail, (going up c.) 
Come along, darling! 

Dick. Smiff, don't forget your pocket-book. 

Smith. By Jove! (takes it from table r. and puts it 
in his pocket) Not much good going shopping without 
money. 

(As Smith goes up, Dick crosses r.) 

Dick. Be careful — be careful! (aside) Don't lose 
the notes again, Smiff! (Bus. cross r.) 

(Nora is at door of flat.) 

Smith, (aside) Not likely — Ah, ah! (Bus.) Now's 
your chance, balloon her out! 

Nora, (standing at c. door) Won't you come with 
us, Mr. Desmond? 

Smith. No, no, dear — he can't. He's going to be busy 
> — very busy. Aren't you, Dick? (Bus.) 



FACING THE MUSIC. 47 

Nora. Then we'll leave you in charge of the flat— 
(laughingly) But don't flirt with Mrs. Ponting. 

(Exit c.) 

Dick. Eh? (laughs) 

Smith. Flirt with Mrs. Ponting! What's she talking 
about? Now then, Dick, ''biff" her out! Biff her out!, 

(Exit — shuts door c.) 

Dick, (exploding with laughter) Flirt with Mrs. 
Ponting — well I like that! 

(Exit roaring with laughter room down r.) 
(Mabel enters from behind curtains.) 

Mabel, (taking the stage) So I'm to be sent to Mud- 
boro' to-morrow. Jawson will take me! Oh! So I'm 
Merry Mabel, am I? (laugh) A flyer! But I want a 
lot of humouring! (laughs) Mr. Duffell was right! 
There is a conspiracy going on here. 

(Colonel Smith knocks and rings.) 

Who's this? Ah! perhaps it's Jawson! Anyhow, I 
mustn't be seen like this. 

(Exit door down l. quickly.) 

(Mrs. Ponting opens door c. The Colonel enters, places 

hat and stick in hall.) 

Colonel. Thank you. Is my nephew in? 

Mrs. P. No, sir, he's gone out, but I don't think he 
will be long. 

Colonel. Then I will wait, (going toivards head of 
table r.) 

Mrs. P. Very well, sir. 

Colonel, (taking off gloves) Can you give me a 
whiskey and soda? 

Mrs P. Certainly, sir. (goes to sideboard l., gets 
tray and places it on table r. ) Here it is, sir. 

Colonel. Thanks, (helping himself) By the way, I 
want to write a couple of important letters. Where can 
I do so? 

Mrs. P. (pointing to door r.) That is master's study, 
you'll find everything you want there, 

/ 



48 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Rev. Smith knocks and rings.) 

Confound that knocker! It's going all day. (goes to 
street door) 

Colonel. By Jove! considering Master Jack's a tee- 
totaler, this is a remarkably good drop of whiskey! 
(goes to fireplace) 

(Mrs. Ponting opens door — the Rev. Smith passes her 
and goes down l. c. Mrs. P. follows down c.) 

Rev. S. I've just called to enquire if Mr. Smith was 
very angry when you gave him the letter? 

Mrs. P. Lor, sir, I've forgotten all about it! (taking 
it out of her pocket) 

Rev. S. You've forgotten all about it! 

Mrs. P. You see, sir, you see, I put it in my pocket, 
and it slipped out of my head. 

Rev. S. Your thoughts are still running on that milk- 
man, I fear, (taking the letter) I'll deliver it to him 
myself. 

Mrs. P. He is out, sir, but I don't think he'll be 
long. 

Rev. S. May I wait for him? 

Mrs. P. Certainly, sir. 

(Exit c.) 

Rev. S. I'm most perplexed, (seeing Col.) Oh, I 
beg your pardon. 

Colonel. Good morning! So you want to see my 
nephew — a friend of yours, I suppose. (going c. to 
him) 

Rev. S. We are neighbours, nothing more. I am the 
curate of Saint Andrew's. (drops paper as he goes 
down l.) 

Colonel, (pointing to paper Rev. S. has dropped) 
That yours, sir? 

Rev. S. Oh, thanks! (picking it up) It is my sub- 
scription list in aid of the Spinsters' Home at Batter- 
sea — but I regret to say it is quite empty. 

Colonel. The Home? 

Rev. S. No, the Home is quite full; it is my list that 
is empty. 

, Colonel. We'll soon remedy that; I'll start it with a 
sovereign, (gives coin) 

Rev. S. You will! How generous! It is really most 
kind of you. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 49 

Colonel. It's a very worthy object, and they deserve 
a home for remaining single, (has written his name on 
list during this with pencil attached to his chain) 

Rev. S. Oh, thanks! 

Colonel, (returning list) There! If you work Mas- 
ter Jack right, you might get a pony out of him. (goes 
to table r.) 

Rev. S. A pony! Oh, fancy! But I haven't got a 
stable. 

Colonel, (laughing — aside) Greenhorn! (helps 
himself to another drink) Can I offer you anything? 

Rev. S. No, thank you. I never drink. 

Colonel. A paragon of all the virtues, eh? Do you 
never feel thirsty? 

Rev. S. Oh, yes; but I can always quench it with a 
little sherbet and water. 

Colonel, (aside) Sherbet and water! Oh, this man 
gets on my nerves, (aloud) Excuse me, I've a couple 
of most important letters to write. You don't mind my 
leaving you? (going to door r. i. e.) 

Rev. S. Not in the least! 

Colonel. Sherbet and water! Ah! Ah! Ah! 

(Exit r. i. e.) 

Rev. S. He seems a very genial old gentleman — what 
a pity it is he drinks! (taking off his gloves) I'm in 
sore tribulation. Mabel, my wife, is lost. A telegram 
from Scotland has brought me the melancholy tidings. 
She left there yesterday. 

(Mabel enters, still in servant's dress, door down l.) 

Mabel. My Johnnie, my darling! At last — at last! 
(with a cry of joy she rushes to him and takes the 
little man in her arms) Oh, Johnnie! 

(They sink on couch.) 

Rev. S. (R.) Mabel! My lost lamb! 

(Mabel still holding her husband in her arms, rocks to 
and fro, and as he tries to speak, she presses his face 
against her dress — seated on couch.) 

(Dick enters at r. i. e.) 

Dick, (entering) What's she up to now, and what's 



50 FACING THE MUSIC. 

she got in her arms? A man— a parson! It's Saintly 
Sam! Where's Duff ell? 

(Quick exit c.) 

Mabel. Oh, my poor darling, did they hurt you much? 

Rev. S. (speaking under difficulties) Mabel, I 

Mabel, (smothering his face again) But you're safe 
in your Mabel's arms once more. 

Rev. S. I'm in a state of mystification! Why are you 
here in that dress? 

Mabel. Oh, I'd forgotten, (merry laugh) Ah, never 
mind the dress — your Mabel's in it. 

Rev. S. (aside) Am I quite awake? 

Mabel. My brave, heroic, handsome Johnnie! (re- 
peating the embracing Bus.) 

Rev. S. Mabel, I hunger 

Mabel, (embracing him again) My poor darling, of 
course you're hungry! (going) I'll fetch you some- 
thing, (going to door c.) 

Rev. S. No, no — you don't understand, (following 
her up) 

Mabel. Ah, take these notes 

(Rev. S. holds out hand.) 

(taking notes out) They're yours — they're safe. I'll 
explain everything in a moment, (embracing again) 
My darling! 

(Quick exit c. leaving door open.) 

Rev. S. (crosses to l. holding notes in his hands and 
looking frightfully amazed) Whatever does it mean? 
Am I dreaming? Why is my Mabel here in a servant's 
dress? 

(Enter Smith quickly c, goes down b. of table and 
shakes newspapers.) 

Smith. How stupid of me! Fancy forgetting the 
notes! Luckily the cab hadn't gone far. I left them on 
this table, (looks under) Why, good heavens, they're 
gone! Eh? Who's this? 

Rev. S. (l. c. still standing ivith notes in his hand) 
I beg your pardon, sir, but are you Mr. Smith? 

Smith, (still looking for the notes at table r.) Yes. 
Who the devil are you? 



FACING THE MUSIC. 51 

Rev. S. Then I wish to offer you an abject apology. 

Smith, (aside, seeing notes) Why, there they are! 
(seeing them in the Parson's hand) Those notes are 
mine! 

Rev. S. No, sir, they belong to Mabel, (places notes 
in breast pocket) 

Smith, (aside) Ah, it's Saintly Sam! Duff ell was 
right! They will all turn up! (aloud) Give me those 
notes, sir. (going to him, chases him round couch and 
over to table) 

Rev. S. (rushing across r. of table r.) Certainly not, 
and if you are violent, I shall call Mabel. 

Smith, (taking off coat and placing it in chair head 
of table) Oh! you'll call Mabel, will you? You scoun- 
drel! (going to him) Do you know where you'll sleep 
to-night? Do you know where Mabel will sleep to-night? 

Rev. S. In bed, I trust. 

Smith. But it'll be a very hard one. They can't go 
in for luxuries at the cell you'll occupy. 

Rev. S. Cell, sir! Do you take me for a monk? 

Smith. A monk — for monkey! Oh, you (going to 

him) beauty! (inane laugh) Come, give me those 
notes! (going to him — ) 

(Rushes after Rev. S., who comes down in front of table, 
crosses to couch for hat and hurries up c.) 
and off.) 

Rev. S. No, sir. (evading Smith) 

Smith. Give me those notes, I say! (going to him) 

(Duffell enters quickly c. and gets betioeen them, hold- 
ing Smith.) 

Duff. No violence, sir. 

(Rev. S. quick exit.) 

Smith. Duffell, you idiot. That's Saintly Sam! He 
has my notes in his pocket — you've let him go! (sits 
in chair l. of table r.) 

Duff. Saintly Sam! It's all right, sir, he can't es- 
cape! I've my men planted below. 

Smith, (sinks in chair) Oh, of all the thick-headed 
fools that ever breathed, that man's the worst. 

(Enter Colonel Smith from door r. i. e.) 

Duff, (aside) Here's another of 'em! 



52 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Exit c.) 

Col. Ah, Jack! What's the matter, Jack? 

Smith. Nothing, nothing! 

Colonel. I say, Jack, I've missed my appointment 
with the Commander-in-Chief, so I must stop in town 
to-night. Can you put me up? 

Smith. Oh! Come and live with us. 

Col. Eh? 

Smith. I mean, Nora'll be delighted. 

Col. Nora! You mean Mabel? 

Smith. Yes, Mabel — Nora — Ponting — they'll all be 
glad. 

Col. By the way, did you see that parson? 

Smith. He's no parson — he's a fraud! 

Colonel. A fraud! 

Smith. Yes, he's called Saintly Sam, and he's head 
of one of the most notorious gangs of swindlers in Eng- 
land. 

Colonel. What! And I gave him a sovereign for the 
Spinsters' Home! 

Smith. You did! (hearty laugh) Good-bye, sov- 
ereign! 

Colonel. Well, I'm done! 

(Nora enters c.) 

Nora. Jack, Jack, I'm tired of waiting in the cab! 

(Smith horrified, rises l. c.) 

Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't know you were engaged. 
(goes to ivindow) 

Colonel, (aside) Another pretty woman! (aloud) 
Jack! Introduce me! 

Smith, (aside) No, no! This is my wife's dress- 
maker! 

(Nora comes down l.) 

Colonel, (aside) Oh! (goes to overmantel, arrang- 
ing tie) 

Smith, (going to his wife l.) Won't be a moment, 
darling! 

Nora. Who's this? 

Smith, (aside) The gas-meter, dear — No, no, the 
gas man. He's come to take the meter, (crosses r., 
aloud to Col. — taking his arm and walking him off stage 
— Col. protesting) Come along, come along, come along! 



FACING THE MUSIC. 53 

(Exeunt Smith and Colonel door down r.) 
(Enter Duffell.) 

Nora, (sitting on ottoman) What is the matter with 
Jack this morning? (fanning herself with handker- 
chief) I'm getting quite alarmed. 

Duff. Ah! (expression of satisfaction at seeing 
Nora, whom he takes to be the "Duchess" — aside, Bus.) 
Parma violets, eh? (l. c.) 

Nora, (screams and rises) Are you looking for Mr. 
Smith? 

Duff. No, ma'am, I'm looking for you. 

Nora. Your business, pray be quick — I'm just going 
shopping. 

Duff. Shopping! Shop-lifting, you mean. Now, 
come along, Matilda! 

(Music — (pp) in Orchestra.) 

Nora. Matilda! Sir! Do you know who I am? 

Duff. Do I know who you are! Certainly! Matilda 
Scraggs, the Duchess. 

Nora. What! (most indignant) 

Duff. Now, come along, Matilda; no playing about 
the bush with me — you know, (smiles, he is about to 
approach her, takes her hand. Slight struggle) 

Nora. Stand back! How dare you! Jack! Jack! 
(she calls loudly — almost screaming) 

(Enter Smith door r. down stage, in state of alarm and 
wonder — goes to Nora l. Duffell goes r. c.) 

Smith. Good heavens! What's the matter? (looks 
first at Duffell, then at his wife) 

(Colonel Smith enters door r. down stage. Mabel en- 
ters c, gets gradually down r.) 

Duff, (beaming ivith self-satisfaction) It's all right, 
sir; Tve got her. (r. c.) 
Mabel, (pleased) Ah! 
Smith. You've got her? (l. c.) 
Duff. Yes, sir! The Duchess of Piccadilly! 
Smith. Where is she? 
Duff. There! (points to Nora) 
Nora. Oh! 

Smith. You blithering idiot! That is my wife! 
Duff. Your wife? 



54 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Colonel. No, this is your wife! (points to Mabel, 
who is still in servant's costume) 

Mabel. What? 

Nora. That is my servant, Mrs. Ponting! 

Mabel, (crossing to Nora) No, Matilda Scraggs, I'm 
not your servant, (crosses to c.) 

Nora. Then who are you? 

Mabel. I am Mrs. John Smith! I I 

(Music forte.) 

(Mabel stands erect c. Nora with a scream falls faint- 
ing o?ito ottoman. Colonel Smith stands amazed. 
Smith with hands to head, dazed.) 

John Smith. 
Duffell Mabel Nora. 



Col. S. 



QUICK CURTAIN. 



For picture, John Smith is leaning over Nora, slapping 
her hand. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 55 



ACT III. 

Scene. — The same. Ten minutes later on the same morn- 
ing. 

(Duffell enters door of flat quickly when the curtain 
rises. ) 

Duff, (goes to fireplace r.) And to think that I al- 
lowed myself to be taken in by him. (picks up photo 
on mantelpiece) Mr. Smith indeed! His conduct when 
I arrived ought to have put me on my guard. Mr. Smith 
indeed! Well, it isn't often I make a mistake. He's 
one of the gang! And so is that other party, Desmond. 
Anyhow, I'll soon have them a 1 under lock and key at 
Vine Street, (puts photograph on table r.) 

(Mabel enters door l. sobbing and in a very excited 
state.) 

Mabel. Ah, Mr. Duffell 

Duff. My dear madam, don't distress yourself like 
this; I'll see they don't harm you. 

Mabel, (sobbing) But my husband! Think of my 
husband! What have they done to him? What have 
they done to him? 

Duff. (r. c.) It's pretty certain they've got him hid- 
ing somewhere. 

Mabel. Heaven knows what he may be suffering! 

Duff. Leave everything in my hands; I'll find him! 
(crosses to window l.) 

(Mabel goes r. c.) 

(looking out of window, whistles) Oh, oh! 

Mabel, (exclamation of surprise at Duffell's long 
low significant whistle with his mouth) Oh, Mr. Duf- 
fell, what is it? 

(Going up to Duffell.) 

Duff. Don't be frightened, ma'am, (still looking out 
of window) Now, what's that furniture van doing here? 

Mabel. Furniture van! (looks over his shoulder out 
of window) 

Duff. Yes; they tried that game on in Paris a little 



EC FACING THE MUSIC. 

time ago; but they don't come it over Duff ell. Well, 
upon my word — but I've upset their little programme; 
I tumble to their little game now. (crosses r. c.) 

Mabel. You do? (l. c.) 

Duff. I do, ma'am. They've got your husband out 
of the way, and their next move was to get you out 
of the way; then, with the exception of your house- 
keeper, they'd have had the place to themselves, and 
in less time than you could say " knife " everything 
here would have been in that van, and off they'd have 
gone with a nice little haul! 

Mabel. Oh, Mr. Duff ell! 

Duff, (going up to door c.) I must investigate that 
van; it'll come in useful to take them all to Vine Street. 

Mabel. Oh! I'm afraid to be left here alone! (going 
to Duffell) 

Duff. Lock yourself in your room, ma'am; and if 
they attempt to force the door, open the window and 
call for help. I shall be on the alert, (opening door 
of flat) 

Mabel, (going to door l.) Oh, Mr. Duffell, what 
should I have done to-day without you? I am so help- 
less; you are so clever. 

(Exit door l.) 

Duff. Nice little woman! I like her! She said I 
was clever! Well, so I am — very clever. But to hear 
it from the lips of youth and beauty is soothing — very 
soothing. 

(Exit door c.) 

(Mrs. Poxting enters door r.) 

Mrs. P. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What is the matter 
with Mr. Smith this morning? (points to door l.) Then 
there's Mrs. Smith! What's a-worrying her, poor dear, 
and why did she borrow my things? But, lor, didn't 
she look nice in them? Ah! it all comes of the master 
stopping out last night! (lifting up her hands) I know 
it does! (l. c.) 

(Enter Nora c. She goes down r. c.) 

Nora, (entering) Where's Matilda Scraggs! 
Mrs. P. (surprised) Matilda Scraggs, ma'am? I 
don't know no Matilda Scraggs, ma'am. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 57 

Nora. You do! You must! You let her in last night! 

Mrs. P. Me, ma'am? The only lady I let in, ma'am, 
was Mrs. Smith. 

Nora. Mrs. Smith indeed! That is Matilda Scraggs! 
(crosses l.) 

Mrs. P. Well, ma'am, I didn't know her maiden 
name. How was I to know master had married a Miss 
Scraggs, m'm? 

Nora. How am I to explain to a servant? Oh, I can't! 
You may go! (sits l. of table r.) 

Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am' 

Nora. Stop! 

Mrs. P. (going, aside) What's she doing here? 

Nora. You are not deceiving me? 

Mrs. P. (injured tone) Deceiving you, ma'am? 

Nora. You are my housekeeper, Mrs. Ponting? 

Mrs. P. No, ma'am, that I'm not! 

Nora. Ah ! 

Mrs. P. I'm certainly Mrs. Ponting, ma'am, but, beg- 
ging your pardon, you're not my mistress! 

(Miss Fotheringay knocks and rings.) 

Nora. Oh! I am your mistress, Mrs. Ponting. 

Mrs. P. Well, ma'am, seeing as how my mistress is 
in there — (points to room l.) I 

Nora. Do you doubt my word? (rises) 

Mrs. P. Oh no, ma'am, and I don't doubt her word 
neither; but master ain't a Mormon — (goes to door c.) 
he can't have two wives. (opens door c, leaving it 
oven) 

Nora, (crosses l. c. to ottoman) Even the servant 
doesn't believe I'm Mrs. Smith. Oh, I'm so glad I came 
home! 

(Mrs. P. opens entrance door of flat.) 

(Enter Miss Fotheringay.) 

Miss F. Mr. Smith at home? 

Mrs. P. Yes, miss! But oh! he's very busy this 
morning. I'll tell him you're here, miss. 
Miss F. Thanks! (comes down r. c.) 
Nora. Another little surprise for me, I suppose! 

(Mrs. P. shuts room door.) 

Nora. Good morning. You wish to see Mr. Smith? 



58 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Miss F. Yes, madam. 

Nora. He will be here presently; pray be seated. 



(Miss F. sits l. of table r.) 



Might I ask your name? (sits on ottoman) 

Miss F. Certainly! I am Miss Fotheringay of the 
Bijou Theatre? I left my card this morning. 

Nora, (aside) An actress! What can she want with 
Jack? (aloud) What is the object of your visit? 

Miss F. To thank Mr. Smith for his great kindness 
to me. 

Nora. Really! Is he a friend of yours? 

Miss F. A friend indeed, for he was a friend in need. 
Oh! if you only knew how good he has been to me! 

Nora, (aside) I can quite imagine it. 

Miss F. Yes, madam; I was in trouble and he came 
to my assistance like the noble-hearted fellow he is. Do 
you know him? 

Nora, (aside) I'm afraid I don't! (aloud) Yes — 
slightly, but when and where was he so kind to you? 

Miss F. (rises) Late last night in Leicester Square. 
It was terrible; but oh! how fortunate it was that when 
I fell fainting it was into the arms of so true a gentle- 
man! How brave he was! How sweetly tender and con- 
siderate! Can you wonder that I am longing to meet 
him and thank him from the bottom of my heart? 

Nora, (rises — aside) This is too much! (aloud) 
Madam, do you know who I am? 

Miss F. I have not the pleasure. 

Nora. I am his wife. 

Miss F. Oh! pardon me, but really (goes r. c.) 

Nora, (aside) Oh! she doesn't believe me. (aloud) 
Do you doubt my word? 

Miss F. I think you are mistaken. 

Nora. Mistaken! I tell you, madam, I am Mrs. John 
Smith. 

Miss F. Possibly; but you are not the only one, 
and 

Nora. What! (aside, half sobbing) Oh, Jack, Jack, 
how could you"? (sinks on ottoman sobbing) 

Miss F. I didn't mean that; I meant that you don't 
happen to be the wife of this particular Mr. John Smith 
of Mona Mansions. 

Nora. Not his wife! How dare you say such a thing! 
(rises) 

Miss F. Because I have already had the pleasure of 
seeing the real mistress of this flat — here — not two hours 
ago. (going r.) 



FACING THE MUSIC. 59 

Nora. The real mistress! (aside) First, Mrs. Pont- 
ing and now this actress, (aloud) Madam, you forget 
yourself, (going up c.) I will find my husband and he 
shall explain everything in your presence and mine. 

(Exit c.) 

Miss F. This is flat-furnishing up to date. Box and 
Cox with wives! How does Mr. Smith do it? (goes l.) 

(Enter Smith from door r. i. e.) 

Smith, (r.) I beg your pardon, (seeing his mis- 
take, furious and horrified at seeing another strange laay 
in his flat) Madam! (groans) Another horror! An- 
other horror! 

Miss F. (l. c. merrily) Thank you — Mr. Smith! 

Smith. Who are you, madam? 

Miss F. Apparently you don't recognize me this 
morning. 

Smith, (furiously) Madam, I've never seen you be- 
fore in my life, (crosses l. c.) 

Miss F. (merrily) Oh! Mr. Smith! (crosses r.) 

Smith. Oh! Mrs. — Madam — (going to her) Why 
have you come here? 

Miss F. (smiling) I believe you lost a pocket-book 
last night! 

Smith. Ah! Here's another one after it! Ah! ah! 
ah! How many more of you? How many more of 
you? 

Miss F. (frightened) Mr. Smith! (draws away l.) 

Smith. Madam, do you know I have a detective on 
the premises? 

Miss F. (merrily) A detective! 

Smith. Yes, madam; and he's here to take you and 
the rest to Vine Street. 

(Miss F. merry ripple of laughter.) 

(aside) She doesn't seem to mind it in the least! Yes; 
she's one of the gang, (aloud) Madam, do you want to 
sleep on a plank to-night? 

Miss F. (laughs) No, thanks! 

Smith. Then you'd better go, and take Matilda with 
you! 

Miss F. Take Matilda with me? 

Smith. Yes, Matilda Scraggs! The Duchess of Picca- 
dilly! And perhaps you'll tell me why she has the au- 
dacity to call herself Mrs. Smith? 



60 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Miss F. (aside) Oh, that was the Duchess I saw- 
just now. 

(Enter Colonel Smith c.) 

Colonel. I say, Jack, my boy — (goes down l. c.) 
Hallo! another pretty woman! Jack, my boy, introduce 
me! 

Smith. One moment, uncle. I'm all like that this 
morning, (changing his tone with great effort) Would 
you mind stepping into that room for a moment? 
(opens door down r.) 

Miss F. (crossing to door r.) Not in the least, but 
— won't you introduce me? 

Smith, (aside) Hush! This is the detective! 

Miss F. Oh! 

(Merry laugh and exit door down r.) 

Colonel. Jack, you rascal! 

Smith, (trying to laugh) I am! I am! 

Colonel, (digs him in rios) You're having all the 
fun this morning. 

Smith. Oh, I am! I am! 

Colonel, (smiling and pointing off) Who's that? 

Smith. That? That! Oh, that's— that— (aside) 
Who the devil is — that? (aloud) Oh! that's our nur- 
sery governess, sir! 

Colonel. Your nursery governess! Why, you haven't 
any — (Bus. imitating nursing oaoy) 

Smith. I know, I know — quite so; but — er — you 
never know what may happen. 

(Quick exit into room down r.) 

Colonel, (jovial laugh; crosses and sits on ottoman 
l. c.) I can't quite make Master Jack out! He doesn't 
seem to know his own wife; and she's a little myster- 
ious! Why was she dressed like a servant just now! 
And that dressmaker girl seems a trifle peculiar. What 
did Mabel call her? Matilda Scraggs — yes! Matilda 
Scraggs! 

(Nora enters c, goes down r. c.) 

Nora. I can't find Jack anywhere. 

Colonel. Ah, here is the lady, (rises, Bus. puts eye- 
glass in eye, looking her up and down, walking towards 
her) Ah! Ah! 



FACING THE MUSIC. CI 

Nora. Well, sir, have you finished your inspection? 

Colonel, (removing eyeglass) Pardon me, madam, 
if I appear rude. 

Nora. I mean your inspection of the meter! (crosses 
l. c.) 

Colonel, (r. c.) My inspection of the meter? 
(laughs) Madam, do you know who I am? 

Nora. (l. c.) The gas man! 

Colonel, (r. c. laughs again) The gas man? Madam, 
I am Colonel Duncan Smith. 

Nora. My husband's uncle! (goes to him, holding 
out her hand) 

Colonel, (placing his hands behind him) Certainly 
not, madam; don't know your husband! I'm John 
Smith's uncle! 

Nora. And I am John Smith's wife! (goes ». c.) 

Colonel, (c. smiling) Oh no, you really must par- 
don me, but 

Nora. (r. c.) Now, he doesn't believe me! No one 
believes me! (angrily; comes up to him with arms 
-folded) Will you be good enough to tell me who I am? 

Colonel, (c.) You are Miss Matilda Scraggs, the 
dressmaker. Jack told me so. 

Nora. (r. c.) Jack told you that? 

Colonel, (c.) Certainly! And may I ask why you 
take me for the gas man? 

Nora. (r. c.) Because your nephew told me so! 

Colonel, (c.) What! 

(Enter Mabel door l.) 

Mabel, (l. c. entering) Oh, Uncle Duncan! Uncle 
Duncan! (going to him and sobbing on his shoulder) 

Nora. (Bus.) Oh! 

Colonel, (arms round Mabel) What's the matter, 
Mabel, my dear? 

Mabel. My Johnnie! My Johnnie! (leaving the Col- 
onel's arms, goes l.) 

Nora. How dare you call my husband your Johnnie? 

Mabel. And how dare you call my Johnnie your hus- 
band? 

Nora. He is not your husband. 

Mabel. You are not his wife! 

Nora. ) oh! (speaking together, they collapse into 
Mabel. \ Colonel's arms) 

Colonel, (supporting one on each shoulder) Ladies! 
Ladies! (trying to calm them) 



62 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Nora. This is too much! (crosses l.) 

Mabel. It is more than I can bear, (crosses R.) 

Nora. But I'll not remain here to be insulted. 

Mabel. Why did you come here at all? You know 
you have no right here. 

Nora. No right here! No right in my own home? 

Mabel. This is not your home! 

Nora. Not my home! 

Colonel. Certainly not, madam. This is not your 
home. 

Nora. Oh! (takes up Mabel's hat and boa from table 
l.) Well, that settles it. (comes c.) 

Mabel. Madam, how dare you! (crosses to Nora and 
snatches hat and boa) Those are mine! (crosses to 
door l.) 

Nora. Yours! 

Mabel. Yes, madam, mine. 

(Exit l.) 

Nora. Hers! And he gave them to me only an hour 
ago. (sinks on ottoman sobbing) 

Colonel. Don't cry, my dear! Don't! (going up) 
Oh, hang it! I can't stand a woman's tears! (goes up 
and opens c. door) 

(As he does so the Rev. Smith enters.) 



Halloa! How did you get in? 

Rev. S. I found the outer door open, so entered. 
(goes towards couch) 

Nora, (to herself) So I'm the Duchess of Picca- 
dilly ! 

Rev. S. Oh, I beg your grace's pardon for intruding. 
(takes off hat) 

Nora, (going up) Oh! 

Rev. S. Have you seen my Mabel? (following her) 

Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! How dare you! 

(Exit c.) 
Rev. S. The Duchess appears angry! (going down 

L.) 

Colonel, (r. c.) You little imposter, tohere's my 
sovereign? 

Rev. S. Your sovereign! At Windsor Castle, I be- 
lieve. 



FACING THE MUSIC. C3 

Colonel. I mean the sovereign you swindled me out 
of. 

Rev. S. Sir! 

Colonel. The sovereign I gave you for the Aged Spin- 
sters' Home at Battersea. Oh, you hypocrite! How dare 
you wear that coat? 

Rev. S. I am the curate of St. Andrews. 

Colonel. Yes; I've heard that before; but I know 
better! And if you don't hand me over my sovereign, 
I shall hand you over to the police. 

(Smith enters R.) 

Colonel. Ah, Jack, I've caught the rogue, {going R.) 
Smith, (crosses to Rev. S.) ^ou scoundrel! 
Rev. S. Sir, I am the curate of St. Andrews! 
Smith. The curate of St. Anurews! Ah! ah! ah! 
Colonel. Don't let him go, Jack! I'll send for a 
policeman. 

(Exit c. door.) 

Smith. Now then, Mr. Saintly Sam 

Rev. S. Saintly Sam, sir! I am 

Smith. Oh! I know who you are! Your disguise 
doesn't take me in! What do you mean by selecting 
my flat to carry out your criminal plans? 

Rev. S. I haven't the remotest idea of your mean- 
ing. I came here to offer you an abject apology. 

Smith. Never mind the apology. Where are the 
notes you stole just now? (going towards him) 

Rev. S. (retreating) I did not steal them, sir. 
Mabel entrusted them to my keeping. Oh, where is 
she? Where is she? (crosses to table R.) 

Smith. You know where she is well enough, and you 
also know that her name is not Mabel — it's .Matilda! 

Rev. S. Matilda! 

Smith. Yes, Matilda Scraggs, and her mother keeps 
a wardrobe shop in Somers Town. 

Rev. S. Poor fellow! I am afraid he's demented. 

Smith. You villain! But your career of crime will 
soon be cut short. You are caught red-handed this 
time. Sit down there, (goes up to sideboard and pours 
out a whiskey and soda) Sit clown and don't move! 

Rev. S. (sits) I hope he won't get violent. 

Smith. But I have one very great consolation. 
(drinks) 

Rev. S. Drink! He'll be positively dangerous in a 
minute. 



C4 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Smith. You'll get ten years at the very least, (goes 
io window) Why the deuce doesn't Duff ell come? 
Where can he have got to? 

(The Rev. S. creeps cautiously to door and slips out, 
leaving flat door open, but banging street door.) 

Smith, (turning round) Confound it, he's gone! 
What a fool I was to take my eyes off him! He's as 
slippery as an eel! 

(Nora enters c. and goes down l.) 

Smith, (closing door) Nora! (goes down l. c. 
to her) 

Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! 

Smith. Nora, my darling! 

Nora. I am no longer your darling. 

Smith. Yes, you are, dear! Now more than ever. 
Nora, you don't understand. I am the victim of a de- 
signing woman. 

Nora. And I am the victim of a faithless husband. 
(crosses r. c.) 

Smith. Nora, will you listen to me? 

Nora. Too late, sir! I've heard enough, and I've 
seen enough. Besides, how can I believe a word you 
say? 

Smith. Have I ever told you a lie? 

Nora. Yes! You lied when you gave me her hat, 
her boa, and her umbrella. You lied when you said 
your Uncle Duncan was the gas inspector; you lied 
when you told him Mabel was your wife. So I'm her 
dressmaker, am I? A charming little plot truly — but 
my unexpected return has completely exposed it. Oh! 
what a delightful home-coming! But I am about to rid 
you of my presence. I am going back to Dover. 

Smith. Oh, Nora, don't be silly. 

Nora, (going to table) Her portrait! Another 
■proof! Another proof! 

Smith. Nora, I swear I am innocent. 

Nora. Innocent! 

Smith. It is the truth, and truth must triumph! 

Nora. It has triumphed! (tears up photo and throws 
it at his feet. Going up) Good-bye! Oh, Jack! Jack!, 

(Exit c.) 
Smith, (calling after her) Nora! Nora! (Bus. 



FACING THE MUSIC. G5 

of kicking pieces of torn portrait lying on stage) I'll 
never do another kind action as long as I live, (sits 
l.) Never, as long as I live! 

(Dick enters c.) 

Dick. Confound the fog! it's coming on again. Halloa 
— buck up, Smiff. Buck up — where's the foglette? (lay- 
ing hands on Smith's shoulders) 

Smith, (points to room where Miss F. is) There! 
No! no! (points to room Mabel is in) There — (points 
to room Miss F. is in again) I've another one in there. 

Dick. You don't mean to say you've two mysterious 
females on the premises? 

Smith. I have! I have! 

Dick. Has your wife seen the latest? 

Smith. She has! Dick, I'm in the final stage of 
desperation and despair. Was ever an innocent man 
in such frightful position? Every moment I'm sinking 
deeper and deeper into difficulties, and the more I 
struggle to extricate myself the greater they grow — a 
simple, kind, generous act of mine last night has been 
taken advantage of by these designing females, and 
that scoundrel, Saintly Sam! My wife thinks I'm faith- 
less. Oh! my head's going! I can feel the symptoms of 
lunacy coming on. Dick, I'm dazed! (waving his 
right hand in front of his eyes) Dazed! 

Dick, (alarmed) Smiff! (follows Smith and keeps 
just behind him during this speech) 

Smith, (rises and goes c.) The fog's rising before 
my eyes — and look, there's Leicester Square — and there's 
the fainting female! See, she's talking, laughing, plot- 
ting with her two confederates. (wild laugh) Yes; 
there they are. Can't you see them waiting for their 
victim? And look, there goes the victim wending his 
way homeward through the dark, black fog, little dream- 
ing of the plot they're hatching round the corner. Now 
they're listening — yes, they've heard his footsteps. Now 
they separate, and the victim still plods on to meet his 
fate, (calls as though teaming the victim) Stop — 
man — it's an old trick! Save yourself! Turn back! 
Too late, she's in his arms! Why doesn't someone tell 
him what a fool he is? 

Dick, (placing hand on Smith's shoulder, trying to 
change the current of his thoughts) Smith! 

Smith, (shouts at the imaginary man) Smith! 

Dick, (still trying to change current of his thoughts) 
Smith! 



66 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Smith. Louder, Dick — (calls) Smith! 

Dick. Smith, are you in your sober senses? 

Smith. Smith, are you an idiot? There they go. The 
elements are all in their favor and dead against poor 
Smith! Now the villains are creeping up — they're on 
him — he's down, and now robbed and half strangled 
he realizes what a fool he has been. Look! The men 
have disappeared, the woman has gone; and there stands 
Smith, watchless, chainless, purseless, and alone, {sinks 
on ottoman) 

(This speech should be done as intensely and dramatic- 
ally as possible.) 

Dick. Poor old Smiff! (crosses to fireplace) 
Smith. Yes, Dick, I'm dazed — dazed! dazed! All the 

horrors of last night are crowding in my brain, and 

here I am — facing the music! 

(Miss F. in room r. knocks loudly at door to find she 

is locked in. Smith starts up at knocking, much 

startled.) 

Miss F. (calling loudly) Mr. Smith! Mr. Smith! 

Smith, (crossing to door r.) Oh! that's the other 
one, Dick! Ah! (going to door and unlocking it) 

(Duffell enters very quietly at door of flat c.) 

Keep her quiet, Dick, keep her quiet! 

Dick. But she's not my foglette! 

Smith. Never mind. Keep her quiet for my sake, 
and I'll find Duffell! 

(Dick exit r.) 
(Smith locks door. Duffell has come down to l. of 
table r. by this time, and stands with his right foot 
on chair, watching Smith.) 

Smith, (seeing Duffell) Oh! there you are! Now 
look here, Duffell — 

Duff. (l. of table r.) Be careful what you say; it'll 
be used in evidence against you. (takes foot off chair) 

Smith, (r. of table) What the devil are you talk- 
ing about now? 

Duff, (smiling) Come, out with it — what's your 
name? And who are you? (both hands on table, lean- 
ing over to Smith) 

Smith, (savagely, imitating Duffell's position) 



I 



FACING THE MUSIC. C,7 

What's my name — who am I? (inane laugh) John 
Smith! Idiot! 

Duff, (grinning) John Smith, idiot! That game's 
played out! (grinning again) 

Smith. Are you going to drive me mad? 

Duff. No; I'm going to drive you to Vine Street. 
No wonder you wanted to compound this felony; no 
wonder you wanted to get me off the premises — no 
wonder you were anxious to get Mrs. Smith off the 
premises, (laughs) 

Smith, (striking table with his fist emphatically) 
Duffell, this is my flat! 

Duff. Oh, is it? Well, Tm not your flat! (laughs) 

Smith. Take these women away. (waving both 
hands, crosses l. c.) 

Duff. Where are your confederates — (r. c.) the 
Duchess and Saintly Sam? 

Smith, (wild laugh) Oh, this is a most intelligent 
policeman! What the dickens do you take me for? 

Duff. What do I take you for? Entering this house 
with felonious intent for one thing. 

Smith. Ah! ah! ah! Me! Ah! ah! 

Duff. And robbery with violence 'in Leicester Square 
last night for another. 

Smith. Ah! ah! (quite excited) Anything else? 
Can't you throw in a murder or two? Ah! ah! Oh! I 
could strangle you — you — you — (going to him) 

Duff, (retreating) Stand back! No violence. I've 
a dozen men outside. You'd better go quietly. 

Smith. Duffell, I'll stand this no longer, (goes over 
to fireplace and picks up poker) If you value your life, 
go! I'll not answer for the consequences, if you remain 
here another moment. 

(Mabel enters door l.) 

(very madly) Duffell, I'm getting dangerous! Go! 
(brandishing poker) 

(Duffell rushes to door c, opens it and exit, showing 
only his head.) 

Mabel, (screams) Oh, Mr. Duffell! (rushes up to 
window ) 

Duff. Don't be frightened, madam; I'm here. 

Smith. And so am I! madam — this flat is mine! 
(crosses to l. c.) 

Mabel, (comes down l.) It's false! It belongs to 
my husband, Mr. Smith! What have you done to him? 



68 FACING THE MUSIC. 

(Duffell comes down r. c.) 

Smith. What have I done to him? Ah! ah! What 
are you doing to him? What are you all doing to him? 
(jumps in the air and gesticulates frantically) 

Mabel, (frightened, goes up l.) Take him away! 
Take him away! 

Duff. Just what I'm going to do, ma'am, (r. c.) 

Smith. Oh, are you? Ah! ah! 

(Nora opens door and speaks off.) 

Nora. Have the goodness to call me a cab, Mrs. 
Ponting. (goes down r.) 

Smith. Nora, my darling! 

Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! (going down stage) 
Good-bye! I'm going back to Dover! (goes in front of 
table r. and up to fireplace) 

Duff. No, Duchess, your destination's Bow Street. 
(l. of table r.) 

Smith, (going to Duff.) And your destination will 
be the nearest hospital, if you dare insult my wife! I've 
warned you, Duffell, so — take care. Take care! 

(Miss F. off stage merry laugh — Dick off stage merry 
laugh. Look at each other. Bus.) 

Smith. And they can laugh at a moment like this. 
Oh! (sits) 

Dick, (off stage) Open the door, Smiff, open the 
door! I've a glorious surprise for you. 

Duff, (gets to door r., opening door) And I've a 
glorious surprise for you, my friend. 
(Dick and Miss F. enter door r. down stage; Miss F. 
goes c. Dick r. c.) 

Dick. Smiff, you've made a slight mistake. The lady 
you assisted in the fog last nignt — Miss Fotheringay! 

Smith, (l. rises) What! 

All. Miss Fotheringay! 

Miss F. Of the Bijou Theatre! Did you find my 
brooch last night? 

Smith. Madam, what do you mean? I've never seen 
you before in my life, never — never! That — (indicating 
Mabel) is the lady I met in Leicester Square. 

Mabel, (horrified) Oh! 

Miss F. Mr. Smith, we met in Leicester Square. 

Smith. We did? (to Mabel) Then how did my 



FACING THE MUSIC. C9 

pocket-book come into your possession? 

Miss F. I called this morning to restore it to you 
— you were out, so I gave it to your wife, (pointing 
to Mabel) 

Nora. Oh! 

Smith. Madam, that is my wife! (pointing to Nora) 

Miss F. The Duchess of Piccadilly! 

Nora. Oh! (moves up stage indignantly and comes 
down r. again) 

Smith. No, no! That is the Duchess! (pointing to 
Mabel) 

Mabel. Oh! (goes up stage indignantly and comes 
doivn l. again) 

Miss F. I don't understand. 

Smith. Neither do I! (sinks on couch l.) 

Duff, (goes r. c.) But I do, ma'am; you're trying 
to screen these people. 

Miss F. Sir! 

Dick. Duffell, how dare you? 

(Duffell goes to window and opens it.) 

Mabel. Miss Fotheringay, you are mistaken, this is 
not my husband! 
Miss F. Not your husband! 
Smith. No, certainly not ! 

(Duffell at window, blows his whistle, loudly. Every- 
body turn their back to audience and look at Duf- 
fell.) 

Smith, (jumping up alarmed) What the deuce are 
you doing now? 

Duff. You'll soon know, sir. Keep cool! 

Newsboy, (in street, calling) The Great Diamond 
Robbery in Bond Street. Latest News! 

All. What! 

Duff. Ah! (with pride) 

Newsboy. Arrest of the Duchess of Piccadilly in Paris 
last night! 

Duff. What! 

All. Ah! (pointing at Duffell) 

(Duffell very much confused. Smith gives derisive 
laugh as he looks at Duff. Noise heard off. Colonel 
enters, dragging the Rev. Smith down c.) 

Colonel. I've got him, Jack — Saintly Sam! 



70 FACING THE MUSIC. 

Mabel. Oh, Johnnie! My husband! (running into 
his arms) 

(Smith goes down l. Colonel goes behind ottoman.) 

Rev. S. Mabel, my lost lamb! 

All. Your husband! 

Mabel. Yes — and this is his flat. 

Smith. Oh, go on! Don't mind me! 

Rev. S. No, darling; I reside on the uppermost story! 

Mabel. This is not your flat! Then I came to the 
wrong one last night — and slept in the — Oh! (falls on 
to couch after giving a scream) 

Smith. Madam, why did you come to the wrong flat 
last night? And you, sir; why are you here? (to 
Rev. S.) 

(Colonel consoles Mabel.) 

Rev. S. To offer you an abject apology for opening 
this letter, (hands letter) 
Smith. Letter, (taking it) 
Rev. S. My name is Smith — the Rev. John Smith. 

(Mrs. P. gives scream off stage. At Mrs. P.'s scream and 
entrance all the characters turn and watch Duffell's 
Bus. with Policemen with their backs to audience. 
She opens flat door and goes down r. to fireplace. 
Three or four policemen crowd in. Duffell bustles 
them out quickly, shuts door, and puts his back against 
it; presently opens it a little way and calls out — ) 

Duff. Wait! 

Smith. (Bus. with letter) Ah! I see it all — there 
are two John Smiths in Mona Mansions! 

(MUSIC cue— pp.) 

All. Two John Smiths! 

Smith. Yes, me and this! (pointing to Rev. S. — goes 
up) 

Nora, (goes to Mabel c.) But don't you know your 
husband's flat? 

(Dick passes Miss P. to armchair r. and stands over 
her. Duffell stands at head of table, ogling Mrs. 
P.) 
Mabel. No, I've been away. 



FACING THE MUSIC. 71 

Rev. S. And I came to dwell here during her ab- 
sence. 

Dick. Smith, the fog's lifted! 

Rev. S. (producing notes) Then these notes? 

Smith. Are mine, (taking them) You see, Nora, 
darling, the truth has triumphed. I am innocent. 

Nora. Oh, Jack, forgive me! 

Smith. Forgive you — why, of course I will, my dar- 
ling — only don't do it again! 

Duff, (coming down e. c.) There! I knew it would 
all come right in the end. 

Smith. Yes; but in the meanwhile you've been play- 
ing a merry tune, and I've had a lively time of it 
"Facing the Music! " 

CURTAIN. 



MAR 35 1905 



SEND FOR A NEW DESCRIPTIVE CATALOQUE. 



(French's Standard Drama Continued from 2d page of Cover.) 



VOL. XLI. 
»21 The Pirate'* Legacy 
Sri The Charcoal Burner 
I2S Adelgitha 
824 Sencr Valient* 
326 Foreit Rose 

326 Duke's Daughter 

327 Camilla'' Husband 

328 Pure Gold 

VOL. XLII. 

329 Ticket of Leave Man 
830 Fool's Revenge 

331 O' Neil the Great 

332 Handy Andy 

333 Pirate of the hies 

334 Fanchon 

335 Little Barefoot 

336 Wild Irish Girl 

VOL. XLIII. 

337 Pearl of Savoy 

338 Dead Heart 

339 Ten N ights in a Bar-room 

340 Dumb Boy of Manchester 

341 BelphegortheMounteb'k 
34J Cricket on the Hearth 
843 Printer's Devil , 

344 Meg's Diversion 



VOL. XLIV. 

345 Drunkard's Doom 

346 Chimney Corner 

347 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 

348 No Thoroughfare Tard's 

349 Peep O' Day [_Life 

350 Everybody's Friend 

351 Gen. Grant 

352 Kathleen Mavourneen 

VOL. XLV. 

353 Nick Whiffles 

354 Fruits of the Wine Cup 

355 Drunkard's Warning 
358 Temperance Doctor 

357 Aunt Dinah 

358 Widow Freeheart 

359 Frou Frou 

360 Long Strike 

VOL. XLVI. 

361 Lancers 

362 Lucille 

363 Randall's Thumb 

364 Wicked World 

365 Two Orphans 

366 Colleen Bawn 

367 'Twixt Axe and Crown 

368 Lady Clancarthy 



VOL. XLVII. 

369 Saratoga 

370 Never Too Late to Mend 

371 Lily of France 

372 Led Astray 

373 Henry V 

374 Unequal Match 

375 May or Dolly's Delusion 

376 Allatoona 

VOL. XLVIII. 
877 Enoch Arden 

378 Under the Gas Light 

379 Daniel Rochat 
880 Caste 

381 School 

382 Home 

383 David Garrlck 

384 Ours 

VOL. XLIX. 

385 Social Glass 

386 Daniel Drue* 
887 Two Roses 
388 Adrlenne 
.589 The Bells 

390 Uncle 

391 Courtship 

392 Not Such a Fool 



VOL. L. 

393 Fine Feathers 

394 Prompter's Box 

395 Iron Master 

396 Engaged 

H97 Pygmalion At, Galatea 

398 Leah 

399 Scrap of Paper 

400 Lost in London 

VOL. LI. 

401 Octoroon 

402 Confederate Spy 

403 Mariner's Return 

404 Ruined by Drink 
406 Dreams 

406 M. P. 

407 War 

408 Birth 

VOL. LII. 

409 Nightingale 

410 Progress 

411 Plav 

412 Midnight Charge 

413 Confidential Clerk 
4l4Snewball 

415 Our Regiment 

416 Married for Money 
Hamlet, in Three Acts 
Guttle & Gulpit 



FRENCH'S INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHTED EDITION 
OF THE WORKS OF THE BEST AUTHORS. 

The following very successful plays have just been issued at 25 cents per copy. 



A PAIR OF SPECTACLES. Comedy In 3 Acts 
by Sydney Grundy, author of "Sowing the Wind," 
&c. 8 male, 3 female characters. 

A POOL'S PARADISE. An original play In 3 
Acts by Sydney Grundy, author 01 "Sowing tk<s 
Wind," Ac. 5 male, 4 female characters. 

THE SILVER SHIELD. An original comedy in 
3 Acts by Sydney Grundy, author of " Sowing the 
Wind," Ac. 6 male, 3 female characters. 

THE GLASS OP FASHIOH. An original cem- 
edy in 4 Acts by Sydney Grundy, author of " Sowing 
the Wind," Ac. 6 male, 5 female characters. 



THE BALLOON. Farcical comedy In 3 Acts by J. 

H. Darni.ey and Manville Fenn. 6 male, 4 female 

characters. 
MISS CLEOPATRA. Farce In 3 Acts by Arthur 

Shirley. 7 male, 3 female characters. 
SIX PERSONS. Comedy Act by I. Zanswill. 

1 mak, 1 female character. 
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. Comedi- 

etta in 1 Act by Percy Fendall. 1 male, 1 female 

character. 
HIGHLAND LEGACY. Comedy In 1 Act by 

Brandon Thomas, author of " Charley's Aunt." 

5 male, 2 female characters. 



Contents of Catalogue which is sent Free. 



Amateur Drama 

Amateur Operas 

Articles Needed by Amateurs 

Art of Scene Painting 

Baker's Reading Club 

Beards, Whiskers, Mustaches, etc. 

Bound Sets of Plays 

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Burlesque Dramas 

Burnt Cork 

Cabman's Story 

Carnival of Authors 

Charade Plavs 

Children's Plays 

Comic Dramas for Male Characters 

only 
Costume Books 
Crape Hair 
Cumberland Edition 
Darkey Dramas 
Dramas for Boys 
Drawing-room Monologues 
Elocution, Reciters and Speakers 
Ethiopian Dramas 



Evening's Entertainment 

Fairy and Home Plays 

French's Costumes 

French's Editions 

French's Italian Operas 

French's Parlor Comedies 

French's Standard and Minor Drama 

French's Standard and Minor Drama, 

bound 
French's Scenes for Amateurs 
Frobisher's Popular Recitals 
Grand Army Dramas 
Guide Books for Amnteure 
Guide to Selecting Plays 
Hints on Costumes 
Home Plays for Ladles 
Irish Plays 
Irving's Plays 
Juvenile Plays 
Make-Up Book 
Make-Up Box 
Mock Trial 

Mrs. Jarley's Was Works 
New Plays 



New Recitation Books 

Nigger Jokes and Stamp Speeches 

Parlor Magic 

Parlor Pantomimes 

Pieces of Pleasantry 

Poems for Recitations 

Plays for Male Characters only 

Round Games 

Scenery 

Scriptural and Historical Dramas 

Sensation Dramas 

Serio-Comic Dramas 

Shadow Pantomimes 

Shakespeare's Plays for Amateurs 

Shakespeare's Plays 

Stanley's Dwarfs 

Spirit Gum 

Tableaux Vivants 

Talma Actor's Art 

Temperance Plays 

Vocal Music of Shakespeare's Plays 

Webster's Acting Edition 

Wigs, etc. 



VOL. XLI. 

321 Adventures of a Love 

322 lost Child [Letter 

323 Court Cards 

324 Cox and Box 

325 Fortv Winks 

326 Wonderful Woman 

327 Curious Case 

328 Tweedleton's Tall Coat 



(French's Minor Drama Continued from 4th page of Cover.) 

VOL. XLIII. 

337 Sunset 

338 For Haifa Million 

339 Cable Car 

340 Early Bird 

341 Alumni Play 

342 Show of Hands 



VOL. XLII. 

329 As Like as Two Peas 

330 Presumptive Evidence 

331 Happy Band 

332 P'inafore 

333 Mock Trial 

334 My Uncle's Wilt 



335 Happy Pair 

336 My Turn Next 



343 Barbara 

344 Who's Who 



VOL. XLIV. 

345 Who's To Win Him 

346 Which is Which 

347 Cup of Tea 
31$ Sarah's Young Man 

349 Hearts 

350 In Honor Bound [Law 

351 Freezing a Mother-in- 

352 My Lord In Livery 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d St., New York City. 



w and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



Price 15 Cents each.- 



roL. i. 

I The Irish Attorney 
I Booti nt tli* Swan 
I How to Pay the Rent 
4 Tb« Loan of a Lover 
I The Dead Shot 
( Hl« Last Legs 
1 The Invisible Prince 
s The Golden Farmer 

VOL. II. 
• Pride of the Market 

10 Used Up 

11 The Irish Tutor 

12 The Barrack Room 

13 Luke the Laborer 

14 Beauty and the Beast 

16 oi. Patrick'! Eve 

It Captain of the Watch 
VOL. III. 

17 Th'- Secret Ipers 
liWnlU Hone of the Pep- 
l»The Jacobite 

50 The Bottle 

51 Box and Cox 
SJ Bamboozling 

13 Widow's Victim 

54 Robert Macaire 

VOL. IV. 

55 Secret Service 
26 Omnibus 

97 Irish Lion 

88 Maid of Crolssy 
29 The Old Guard 

50 Raising the Wind 

51 Slasher and Crasher 
S3 Naval Engagement* 

VOL. V. 
SS Cocknies in California. 
84 Who Speaks First 

35 Bon.bastes Furioso 

36 Macbeth Travestie 
87 Irish Ambassador 
38 Deli cat* Ground 

89 The Weatheroock [Gold 

40 All that Glitters la Not 

VOL. VI. 

41 Grimshaw, Bagshaw and 

Bradshaw 

42 Rough Diamond 

43 Bloomer Costume 

44 Two Bonnycastles 

45 Born to Good Luck 

4» Kiss in the Dark [Jurcr 

47 'Twouid Puzzle a Cou- 

48 Kill er Cure 

i\ VOL. VII. 

49 Box and Cox Married and 
»0 St. Cupid [Settled 
tl Go-to-bed T<,ra 

12 The Lawyers 
53 Jack Sheppard 

64 The Toodles 

65 The Mobcap 

66 Ladles Beware 

VOL. VIII. 

67 Morning Call 

68 Popping the Question 

69 Deaf as a Post 

50 New Footman 

tl Pleasant Neighbor 
<2 Paddy the Piper 
(3 Brian O'Linn . 

64 Irish Assurance 

VOL. IX. 

65 Temptation. 
It Paddy Carey 
S7 Treo Gregoriet 
it King Charming 
89 Po-oa-hon-tas 

78 Clockmaker's Hat 
' 71 Married Rake 

72 Live and Murder 

VOL. X. 

73 Ireland and America 

"4 Pretty Piece of Business 

76 Irish Broom maker 

7t To Paris and Back for 

Five Ponnds 
T7 That Blessed Bat* 
T8 Out Gal 

79 Swiss Cottage 
SO Yeung Widow 



VOL. XI. 
CI O'Flannigan and the Fal 

82 Irish Post [ries 

83 My Neighbor's Wife 
S4 Irish Tiger 

85 P. P., or Man and Tiger 
St To Oblige Benson 

87 State Secrets 

88 Irish Yankee 

VOL. XII. 

89 A Good Fellow 

99 Cherry and Fair Star 

91 Gale Breexely 

92 Our Jemimy 

93 Miller's Maid 

94 Awkward Arrival 

95 Crossing the Lin* 

96 Conjugal LeBsou 

VOL. XIII. 

97 My Wife's Mirror 

98 Life In New York 

99 Middy Ashore 

100 Crown Prince 

101 Two Que.ns 

102 Thumping Legacy 

103 Unfinished Gentleman 

104 House Dog 

VOL. XIV. 

105 The Demon Lover 

106 Matrimony 

107 In and Out of Place 

108 I Dine with My Mother 

109 Hi-a-wa-tha 
119 And v Blake 

111 Love* in '76 [tie- 

112 Romance under Dlfficul- 

VOL. XV. 

113 One Coat for U Suits 

114 A Decided Case 

115 Daughter [norlty 




116 No; 

117 Coron« 



the Glorious Mi 



s Inquisition 

118 Love in Humble Life 

119 Family Jars . 

120 Personation 

VOL. XVI. 

121 Children in the Wood 

122 Winning a Husband 

123 Day After tlie Fair 

124 Make Your Wills 

125 Rendeivous 

126 My Wife's Husband 

127 Monsieur Tonson 

128 Illustrious Stranger 

VOL. XVII. 

129 Mischief-Making [Mines 

130 A Live Woman in the 
181 The Corsair 

132 Shylock 

133 Spoiled Child 

134 Evil Eye 

135 Nothing to Nurse 

136 Wanted* Widow 

VOL. XVIII. 

137 Lottery Ticket 
133 Fortune's Frolic 

139 Is he Jealous 1 

140 Married Bachelor 

141 Husband at Sight 
143 Irishman in London 

143 Animal Magnetism 

144 Highways and By-Ways 

VOL. XIX. 

145 Columbus 

146 Harlequin Bluebeard 

147 Ladies at Home 

148 Phenomenon In s Smock 

Frock 

149 Comedy and Tragedy 

150 Opposite Neighbors 

151 Dutchman's Ghost 

152 Persecuted Dutchman 

VOL. XX. 

153 Musard Ball 

154 Great Tragic Revival 

155 High Low Jack & Game 

166 A Gentleman from Ire- 

1 67 Tom and Jerry [land 

158 Village Lawyer 

159 Captain's not A-miss 

160 Amateurs and Actors 



168 Irish Widow [Charley 

VOL. XXII. 
149 Yankee Peddler 

170 Hiram Hireout 

171 Doubl«-B«dded Room 
17 J The Drama Defended 
178 Vermont Wool Dealer 
174 Ebeneier Venture [ter 
176 Principles from Charac- 

176 Lady of the Lake (Tray) 

, VOL. XXIII. 

177 Mad Dogs 

178 Barney the Baron 

179 Swiss Swains 

180 Bachelor's Bedroom 

181 A Roland for an Oliv 

182 More Blunders than One 

183 Dumb Belle 

184 Lim»rick Boy » 

VOL. XXIV. 
166 Nature and Philosophy 

186 Teddy the Tiler 

187 Spectre Bridegroom 

188 Mutteo Falcone 

189 Jenny Llnd 

190 Two "Buzzard* 

191 Happv Man 

192 Betsy Baker 

VOL. XXV. 

193 No. 1 Round the Corner 

194 Teddy Roe 

195 Object >f interest 

196 My Fel ow Clerk 

197 Bengal Tiger 

198 Laughing Hyena 

199 The Vict, r Vanquished 

200 Our Wife 

VOL. XXVI. 
901 My Husband's Mirror 
202 Yankee Land 
303 Norah Creina 

204 Good for Nothing 

205 The First Night 

206 The Eton Boy 

207 Wandering Minstrel 

208 Wanted, 1000 Milliners 

VOL. XXVII. 

209 Poor Pilooddy 

210 The Mummy [Glasses 

211 Den't Forest your Opera 

212 Leve in Livery 

213 Anthony and Cleopatra 
914 Trying It On 

216 Stage Struck Yankee 
21t Young Wife & Old Um- 
brella 

VOL. XXVIII, 
21T Crinoline 

218 A FamllyvFalllng 

219 Adopted Child 

220 Turned Heads 

221 A Match In the Dark 

222 Advice to Husbands 
22S Siamese Twins 

224 Sent to the Tower 
VOL. XXIX. 
'.'25 Somebody Else 
216 Ladies' Battle 

227 Art of Acting 

228 The Lady of the Liona 

229 The Rights ef Man 

230 My Husband's Ghost 

231 Two Can Play at that 
Game 



233 Unprotected Female 

234 Pet of the Petticoats 
236 Forty and Fifty [book 

236 Who Stole the Pocket- 

237 My Son Diaua [sion 

238 Unwarrantable Intru- 

239 Mr. and Mrs. White 
2tt A Quiet Family 



(French's Minor Drama Continued on jd page of Cover.) 



248 Perplexing Predicament 

VOL. XXXII. 

249 Dr. Dilworth 

250 Out to Nurse 

251 A Lucky Hit 

252 The Dowager 

253 Metamora (Burlesque) 

254 Dreams of Delusion 

255 The Shaker Lovers 

256 Ticklish Times 

VOL. XXXIII. 
•HI 20 Minutes with a Tiger 

258 Miralda; or, the Justice 

of Tacon 

259 A Soldier's Courtship 
269 Servants by Legacy 

261 Dying for Love 

262 Alarming Sacrifice 

263 Valet de Sham 

264 Nicholas Nickleby 

VOL. XXXIV. 

265 The Last of the Pigtails 

266 King Rene's Daughter 

267 The Grotto Nymph 

268 A Devilish Good Joke 

269 A Twice Told Tale 

270 Pas de Fascination 
»71 Revolutionary Soldier 

272 A Man Without a Head 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 The Olio, Part 1 
974 The Olio, Part J 

276 The Olio, Part 3 [ter 

276 The Trumpeter's Daugh- 

277 Seeing Warren 

S78 Green Mountain Boy 
279 That Nose 

260 Tom Noddy's Secret 

VOL. XXXVI. 

281 Shocking Events 

282 A Regular Fi* 

283 Dick Turpin 

284 Young Scamp 
985 Young Actress 

286 Call at No. 1—7 

287 One Touch of Nature 
2«8 Two B'hoys 

VOL. XXXVII. 
289 All the World's a Stage 
'J90 Quash, or Nigger Prac- 

291 Turn Him Out [tice 

292 Pretty Girls of Stlllberg 

293 Ange'l of the Attic 

294 GirciimstaiicesalterCaiet 

295 Katty O'Sheal 

296 A Supper in Dixie 

VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 lot on Parle Francais 
998 Who Killed Cock Robin 
299 Declaration of Iudepend- 
800 Heads or Tails [ence 
301 Obstinate Family 

303 My A unt 

303 That Rascal Pat 

804 Don Paddy de Bnzan 

VOL. XXXIX. [tjre 
305 Too Much for Good Na- 
30S Cure for the Fidgets 
307 Jack's the Lad 

Much Ado AboutNothlng 

309 Artful Dodger 

310 Winning Hazard 

311 Day's Fishing [Ac. 

312 Did you ever send your, 
VOL. XL. 

313 An Irishman's Maneuver 

314 Cousin Fannie 
Tis the Darkest Hourl 

316 Masquerade [fore Da- 

317 Crowding the Seasc ' 

318 Good Night's Rest 

319 M«n with the Cp 

320 Terrible Ti-- 



4AMUEL FRENCH* 26 Wert aad Street, New York C\* 

flew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed r 



